Drama.

What the hell. I seriously can't get involved with any female in any fashion without serious drama being involved. I hate it.

The last week of school, I started hanging out a friend of Panda's (Bonobo Girl from here on out) more. She's an interesting character, but a bit much at times. I started talking to her on AIM more frequently once school ended, and yesterday she was like "I'm kind of interested in you." We had a big discussion about this, and came to the conclusion that neither of us would mind hooking up with the other, but she was ok with me not being interested in more. Tonight, she and I were talking, and then Panda came online. I talked to her for a bit, and then she got really cold, and was just like "Ok, bye."

Apparently, Bonobo Girl wanted to talk to someone about the situation with me, and picked Panda. This was a bad move. The two were thinking of rooming together, and this was Panda's response to Bonobo Girl:

Bonobo Girl-
I’ve been seriously considering becoming your roommate, but...I’ve had a thing for Wookie since day one, and I’m not sure if I could cope with you guys having sex in our room.
I’m sorry, I just kind of wish you’d never told me.
I wish you luck.
-Panda

This is verbatim - Bonobo Girl sent it to me. So, that clears up my questions on what Panda feels for me. Now, I just have to figure out what I feel for her. I've been talking with Bonobo Girl a lot about this whole situation, and what she really wants is to have her friendship with Panda stay intact. Why do I always have to chose things like this? I don't know what I feel for Panda, I would love to fuck Bonobo Girl. However, I don't want to lose Panda as a friend, and at this moment, wouldn't mind dating her. Unfortunately, I don't know if I'm ready to be in a committed relationship. Fuck. Well, I'm going to call Panda tomorrow, and see where things go.


I'm home now, and that has it's own set of issues. I'll talk about those later. Now, I need to sleep.




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Finals week

Well, it's finals week - one of the worst times of school ever.  Luckily, I'm pretty much done now.  The Network+ exam went really well - I passed with a 717 (second highest in the class, by only 3 points).  Then, I studied pretty much all weekend for Statistics, and had that exam yesterday.  This morning I went and talked to the professor, and he said that my final grade in Stats would be a B, no matter what I got on the exam (not missing a class all semester paid off!).  So, whew!  I'm pretty much set on my GPA now, I think, as long as I don't bomb the final I have tomorrow.  Passing the networks certification gave me a 100 for the final in that class, and my last exam score was a 99.  I think I have an A there.  Stats is a B, and I'm pretty sure Database will be a B+ or so.  That means I can stay another year!  I don't want to get too excitited because that would suck if I just miss it, but I think I've pulled it off.  

Studying for the networks exam was such a mind crushing time.  I do know most of it, but I started having dreams about the stuff.  Ugh.  At least I did well on the test.  I'm really not cut out for school.  I don't have enough of a work ethic.

So that's about all the news here - I have like three days off once I get home.  I start working at the museum the 28th.  Ooof.  At least that should be fun, and get me some money.



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Well, life rolls along - I've been studying my ass off the past few days, trying to get ready for this Network+ exam. If I pass it, I get an automatic 100 on my networks class final. I have to pass it (that and the fact that the thing costs $200 to take!). I also have to fit in studying for Stats at some point (and prolly Database, but that final is open book, so I'm not tooo worried). End of school sucks.

RawThoughts' and Lindsay's comments on my last blog made me think a lot (thank you for those guys!). I really do have a major negative outlook on life. Unfortunately, I don't know how to change that. Yes, I can look on the brightside, especially when talking to someone else. However, my own interior monologue/train of thought is very negative and extremely critical of myself. For whatever reason, I never do "good" to myself. If I pull something insanely talented off (according to other people), I either don't think it's that talented in the first place, or think that if I hadn't been able to do that, something would have been wrong. Maybe that's my major problem - in my head, 'good/satisfactory' ends up being at the top of the spectrum. If I'm halfway positive that I can't reach that, I don't even try. Failure in front of people is one of my extreme dislikes (to the point of being a fear, I suppose). Therefore, my instant answer is 'No'. Almost without fail. I rarely try new things, I take very few risks, and end up with a kind of boring and self critical life. Crap.

I wrote a letter to a friend of mine the other day. I suppose the term 'friend' isn't the right one to use for him - he's the closest thing I have to a grandfather. He's an ex-Merchant Marine, tuba player, and very talented overall. He's now mid-80's, and age is unfortunately catching up with him. Here's the bulk of the letter:


I was thinking the other day about playing tuba, and realized that I haven’t talked to you in ages! The tuba thing that prompted my musings was a video of a performance that I saw. The guy playing was named Øystein Baadsvik (professional tuba soloist from Norway), and he did some very cool things. The piece was called Fnugg Blue, and involved lots of interesting effects. It was created when Mr Baadsvik was playing around during practice one time, and realized he could make some very fun noises with a tuba (ie the noise your lips make if you just go ‘thhpp’ into the mouthpiece, singing while playing, some crazy double tonguing stuff). He then wrote a piece utilizing all of these things, and it came out very interesting. Have you ever heard Tuvan throat singing? He got that kind of sound for part of it! It’s very ethereal and eery sounding, but truly cool. Not the most pure of tuba playing, but what struck me is how much fun this guy was having while playing this piece – he was dancing around the stage (in front of the orchestra that was supporting him), making faces to emphasize certain parts of the music, and overall obviously having a blast. It made me remember some of the wonderful times in Bristol Band and Midd Winds that we’ve had, nailing a tough lick, pulling off a perfect chord, and feeling it all click. Up until this point, I hadn’t realized just how much I’ve missed playing music. Here at school, the Wind Ensemble is geared for Music and Music Ed majors almost exclusively and my schedule really can’t accommodate it. This summer I’m not going to be able to play with the Bristol Band too much due to work, so I guess I’ll just be singing to myself a lot.



Speaking of, have you heard what I’m doing for work this summer? I got a position on the Lois McClure on tour! We’re going down the Erie Canal, and I get to be a crewmember! It’s going to be a lot of work, but sooo much fun! The downside is that I don’t get to play too much music, and working on the dune buggy will be once in a great while. Reenacting will be taking a major backseat, unfortunately, but I’m still way excited about it! I’m going to get to learn so much!



As far as learning goes, school is stressful at the moment – next week is finals, and this week the professors are trying to cram as much as possible in. You’d think they’d plan a little better. The major thing on my plate is the Network+ certification exam. It’s a test that says I know how to install and administer all sorts of computer networks, and if I pass it, I get a 100 on the final in my Networks class (which will give my GPA a wonderful kick in the pants). I’ve been studying for that the past 3 days, and am starting to get sick of it. I’ll be glad when school is through.



I’ll be thinking of you when I manage to get onto the bandstand this summer – I hope you can come down for a concert or two!!



 


Writing that made me think a lot, and realize that I do need to start playing music more often. It's been a huge part of my life, and has brought lots of joy with it. Now, it's missing, and that could be a large portion of why I've had such a negative outlook as of late.



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Happiness

. . . is the thing that most people seek in life, and completely fail at finding. I know I'm on that track.

Tonight (this afternoon, really), I went to a friends house with a group of friends (BT, roomie, Grif, BT's girl, Panda) and we had dinner there (grilled burgers - pretty nice). Then large amounts of alcohol were consumed, and by 10:30, everyone was rather smashed ('cept me). BT was almost puking drunk, his girl was staggering, Roomie was definitely sloshed, Grif was rather hammered, and Panda was drunk enough to almost make advances at me (which she only does inebriated). This is at 10:30 on a Friday night! I drive everyone back to campus, with them blasting music, Roomie occasionally freaking at me about how I'm driving his car, and them screaming out the windows. It was a little unnerving.

I get back ok, no major incidents, and talk to Jill for a bit. She comes up (after Roomie and Grif, both hammered, go off to smoke pot), and we hang out for a while. We come to the conclusion that we are both really tired, and that the last few weeks of school really suck. She then decides to go to bed, and asks if I want to join her (not in a "Let's get it on" fashion). It's been roasting hot here the past few days, she was talking about getting up early to do work tomorrow, and I wasn't in the best of moods, so I said I'd rather sleep in my own bed. She seemed really disappointed by this, and I kind of feel guilty about not sleeping with her, but ugh. We aren't officially dating. I almost feel like I'm doing a horrible job of being a non-boyfriend (ie - I'm being too boyfriend like). I don't want to form an attachment for the summer, and have her feel hurt by me not wanting to continue our relationship through next year. Fuck, I over think things.

Panda confuses me. I have no clue what her feelings towards me are, or really, what mine towards her are. I get very mixed signals from her, especially when she's drunk, and it messes with my head. Why can't things be simple?!

Raw Thoughts pointed me towards a post of his that sums things up rather well (here). People are overly concerned with happiness. Why do we force ourselves to be happy? Isn't that almost canceling out the effect? "I must be happy." That is so strange, yet seems like a huge part of our society. I truly envy the people who find happiness easily. It's an elusive thing for me, and I truly desire it. However, I don't have enough of a spine to stand up for what can make me happy. I want people to like me, thus my happiness comes second to that. Why, I don't know. Maybe my upbringing. Maybe it's just how I'm wired. Why can't I stand up for myself? Why do I always put others first? I've never really gotten anything out of doing that. People keep saying they owe me their lives, their firstborn child. Am I ever going to cash in on that? No. That would be selfish. What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm seriously debating on a chaste view on life. Interactions with people suck. I really haven't gotten anything good (other that occasional sex) out of my relationships. Yes, it's nice to have intimacy, cuddling, and companionship. However, most of that can be had with friends as well. Having a significant other just makes things awkward. With Jill, so much drama and stress have arisen around the entire event. And then, "How are things with Jill?" and "Aren't you seeing someone?" - I hate questions like that. How do you answer that? "Well, things are a little convoluted in my head" and "Not officially." The looks I would get! It's like when someone asks you "How's it going?" the auto response is "Good" unless you want a discussion. What the hell. I hate how our society works.

In a mostly completely different subject, I had a Statistics test today, which I completely bombed. Like, if I had handed it in blank, I don't think my grade would have been any different than what I'm sure to get. It made me think a lot, unfortunately. I'm really not cut out for college. Everyone says I'm a good student, that I'm intelligent, that I'll go far in life. They're all fucking wrong. I get so confused, instantly, on almost everything. Yes, I absorb information fairly well, and can present it in a understandable manner. That doesn't mean I know it! That means I can breeze through high school with no effort, and am getting royally fucked in college. Now, I'm supposed to understand it. What the hell am I going to do when my thesis comes around in a year? If I'm still in school, that is. I have a scholarship where I have to keep a 3.0 GPA. I have a 2.96 at the moment. This semester is what it hinges on. If I get somewhere in the vicinity of a 3.3, I should be ok. If not, I'm living at home, working a real job, and paying off the money I've wasted. Of course, all this is running through my head during a test I'm in the process of failing. Christ, I'm really not cut out for anything in life. Maybe I've found my job already - the low paying museum interpreter position. Of course, I'm at the complete bottom of the ladder, and don't really have the skills to move up it. However, I do ok at it. Well, I'll wait until after this summer to finalize my opinion on that.

Goddammit. Why do I care about life?




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I've been feeling rather mechanical lately - kind of going through life becuase it's there, not because I'm enjoying it.  I feel like I've been loosing touch with a lot of my friends, making some new ones, but not really having fun with any of it.  Maybe I have too high of an expectation, maybe I don't know how to have fun, maybe I'm just confused as to what fun is.  I'm not really not having fun, I suppose.  I mean, life is pretty decent.  Classes are kind of stressful, but not too bad, considering it's the end of the semester.  Things with Jill are going well, I'm not hated by many people, I've got a job for the summer.  Despite all this, I feel something is lacking.  Maybe it's the lack of music in my life.  I played seriously since fourth grade - All-State, town bands, playing music year round for 8 years straight.  Then, I came to college, and poof!  It all stopped.  I played last summer, and some during vacations, but that's it.  Almost cold turkey.  Perhaps this is what is missing.  I've found myself singing/humming along to almost any song, singing to myself, making all sorts of sound effects whenever I can.

It's times like this that I really start to hate myself.  I have a good life, I have a girl who likes me, I have a good group of friends.  However, I'm still not happy.  What's wrong with me?  I'm sick of life.



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Stability, or something close

Well, I talked to Jill last night, and I think things are back to a stable place.  We went for a really long walk, and talked a bunch.  It basically ended with both of us apologizing to each other repeatedly.  I made it clear to her that whatever kind of relationship we have is essentially over (not the friendship part, but everything else), and she was like "I knew that, don't worry."  So things are back to good between us, I'm working on watching what I say, and we're progressing from there.  I'm glad things worked out between us, though.

That's really all the major news - a few minor things (people I think are interested in me and such), but I'll talk about that later.  Thanks to Raw Thoughts for a wonderfully thoughtful comment on my last post - the man knows what he's talking about!


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I'm not cut out for this

Well, I talked to Jill today.  I'm still confused as to what exactly happened that prompted this whole thing, but at least we kind of talked about it.  However, I think I made things worse.  Here's what Jill sent me (via AIM) a little while after we talked.

"I will never ask for help, especially when I need it most. Monday night you pretty much made me feel like I should have been paid and that's what really pissed me off. And when I'm upset the worst thing for you to do is to "give me my space" becuase to me that pretty much just shows that you don't really care and I'm just an object that is easily replaced. I should have said this earlier but I'm not really good at the whole confrontation thing and actually telling people when I'm upset and why, it's why I bottle everything and then breakdown. I'm screwed up I know, so if you want to get out now I don't blame you."

Here's my response:

"I'm so sorry that I handled Monday night badly.  I really would like to help - I care about you as a friend, and hate that I have caused you pain.  Everyone is screwed up in their own ways, and it's what makes life interesting.  I don't want to "get out" as you put it. I value our friendship, and would hate to lose that.  I know I'm not very good at being much more than a friend, and I apologize for that.  I'd like to talk more about this in person, if that's ok"

I really don't know what to do.  In some aspects, I want to be like "Thanks for the good times, bye!" and call it good.  However, I can't bring myself to be that much of an asshole.  Unfortunately, I also don't want to mislead her into thinking I'm going to get into a relationship (I double checked that with her this evening when we talked, and she is clear [and has been] on the fact I'm not in it for the long haul).  I really don't know.  I have a feeling that no matter what, I'm going to take a 12 gauge to my foot (metaphorically), and end up really hurting her feelings.


Fuck.


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Screw this.

Well, I am in some sort of trouble with Jill, and I don't know why.  She left last night in what seemed like a rage, after giving me a wonderful blowjob.  However, after she almost literally sucked my brains out, she made some comment about not being 
wanted anymore.  Now, it is not wise to talk to a guy right after he orgasmed and expect 
any coherent result.  So, I made some reference to needing a rest for a bit, and then she'd
be wanted again.  Her response was "Well, then!" and leaving.  Ugh.

Then, today, apparently she had a bad day - not sure if it was because of my comment 
last night, or other things.  Then I talked to her this evening, and she drops the comment 
"Was I just a convenience?" in the middle of the conversation (over AIM).  I asked her 
what she meant, and then told her that if she meant what I thought she meant, that we 
should prolly talk in person.  This just seemed to piss her off more, and now I don't know 
where things stand.  Hopefully I can actually talk to her, as opposed to having things end 
on this note.

I really can't do anything right.  I'm seriously giving up relationships - the drama isn't worth it.



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PS - The formatting has been freaking out at me, so I apologize if the post is wierd looking.