I've been feeling really down as of late (or is it still?). I feel like I've been neglecting my friends - I've been spending quite a bit of time with Jill. I'm not sure if they miss me or not, but I know I feel kind of selfish about not hanging out with them often. Panda in particular mentioned that we haven't seen that much of each other of late. I haven't hung out with my roommate in a looong time (he's been involved with his new girlfriend as well), and the girls across the hall and I haven't hung out in weeks. Admittedly, one of them (Shannon) is pissed at me for being involved with Jill.

That's something new - I found out that there is at least one person on campus who doesn't like me. Jill's roommate, to be specific. I'm really not surprised - over the past few weeks, I've been kind of a prick to her. However, once I was called on it, I really tried to be good. However, I didn't even get a chance (see the April 24th post). Ugh. Then, the other night, Jill told me about some of the conversation she had with Shannon, who is apparently mad at me because I didn't tell her about Jill and I. What the hell? I was trying to be nice - Jill and I hooked up rather quickly after Shannon had expressed interest.  We were trying to be discrete about it, and not hurt her feelings.  I have the feeling that Shannon would have been pissed at me no matter what I did.  Goddammit.  Now everyone is pissed at me.  

Fuck this.  After this summer (with Betty), I'm not getting involved again.  It's not worth it.


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Fuck life

This has been a truly shitty day. Starts off with class at 9 - normal, less than fun. Then at 10, after class lets out, on the way to breakfast, I find out that there was a bomb threat in one of the buildings on camps. Ok, it didn't affect me, but certainly raised the level of stress during the day. Then, there is absolutely nothing that appeals to me at breakfast/brunch. Even the bagels and cream cheese didn't work - maple walnut cream cheese was the only available kind. Ugh. Then I go take an exam for Statistics that I hadn't studied for. Went better than I thought it was going too, but I still come out of it feeling mentally challenged. After my next class, the prof calls me and one other kid into her office, and starts grilling us about plagarism.

Last week, on Thurs, we had an exam in this class. The kid in the office with me didn't finish it, and on Fri was bitching about how the prof wasn't letting him finish it. On Monday, he asked to see what I had done on the questions he didn't get too, to see if he understood it. I was like "Sure" thinking that if I was in the same situation, that's what I would want too. So I sent him what I did, and thought nothing of it. However, he apparently emailed my work the prof, in his name, saying that he stayed late, and did the work, and understood what the test was about. This is what prompted the prof to call us in to her office. At least he admitted to recieving my work, and using it. He said that he just wanted to show that he knew the material that the exam covered, and wasn't trying to get any credit or any thing. I'm glad he was straightforward about the whole thing, and not trying to take my work as his, but still. At least change it enough so that it looks slightly different. Fuck. Now I never want to do something nice for someone in a class ever again. Goddamn it. I seriously can't ever do anything right.



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Life baffles me

Well, it's been an odd few days. The weekend turned out ok - after the huge fight between mom and sis, things settled a bit. It was nice to see them again, but I'm glad I'm not going to be around much during the summer (my job has me living on a boat for most of the summer).

When I get back to school, I find out I missed a huge amount of drunken drama - lots of tears and breakdowns, drunken misadventures, and tons of stress. I'm glad I was at home - I'm usually the go to guy for that kind of thing, and it's nice to have other people experience exactly what that means.

Sunday evening, Jill comes to me in a rage, but won't tell me what it's about. She is truly pissed off, and tries to rant to me about it, without telling me what she's angry about (the people involved apparently didn't want things getting out). It didn't work so well, but I managed to help her calm down a bit. Monday, I find out what it's about. The girl who lives across the hall from me, who expressed interest in a relationship with me (Shannon from here on), is good friends with Jill (they are went to Prague over J-Term, and are living in a suite together next year). Jill had been feeling really guilty about our whole situation involving her (wondering if she knew, what she thought, etc). So, Jill's roommate told her on Sunday that my roommate had told Shannon about Jill and I. Without asking either of us about it. That was what had Jill so enraged. So, Jill talked to Shannon yesterday about the whole situation, and apparently it's mostly taken care of. However, Jill is ready to tear my roommate in half. I kind of agree with her - you shouldn't do something like that. Let people deal with things like that as they see fit. If they ask you to talk to the person, then go for it (though I think that's very dishonest and sneaky).

Then, last night - I went and hung out with Jill for an hour or so (cuddling on the bed, watching TV). Her roommate apparently was very uncomfortable with that. Admittedly, I kind of just showed up at their door (I did tell Jill I would be down at some point that evening, and came down about an hour later). Her roommate was partially clothed when I knocked, and apparently is annoyed at me anyways. I really don't get it - I have been trying to be good around her. No off color comments, trying to not make her too uncomfortable by groping Jill in front of her, and last night was the best I've been - I didn't even snicker at the possibility of snarky comments, my hands were in PG rated places all night long, no discussions about my sex life with Jill (or any sex for that matter). And when I left, Jill IM'd me saying "Apparently would rather you not hang out in our room anymore." Ugh. I can't do anything right.



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Home is overrated

Thanks for the support on my previous post - I don't even remember what I was going to write. I'm pretty sure most of it was covered in previous posts anyways (I hate myself, I don't understand people, why do I continue with life, etc).

I'm home for the weekend, at suggestion of my mother. She sent me an email the other day and was like "How about you come home for the weekend?", and being the person that I am, I of course was like "Sure." So, she came and got me today, and I got home around 8:30 or so. By 10:30, the pizza we had gotten was eaten, my mom and sister had gotten into a major fight, and my sister had left in anger, to go to the house she is housesitting at. Ugh. The fight was unnerving. I thought it was going to come to physical violence - my sister was really pissed, and kicking the excercise ball that my mom was holding rather violently. When my mom dropped that, my sis took a step towards her, which is when I moved between them, and was like "How about not." It was scary. That's the worst fight I've seen between the two of them so far. However, the end result was somewhat my fault - I made a comment to my mom that made her laugh, after my sister was like "Ok, I'm leaving" (still in an almost reasonable tone of voice). This caused my sister to totally loose it.


Family is great.

However, here is something that makes me happy-ish. Wish I could play tuba like that.

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Post . . . or not

I was going to post, but I realized it was just all whining bullshit. Nevermind.

Easter and lack of chastity

Well, my chaste streak has ended. My birthday last year (Feb 1) to Easter Sunday this year. Jill and I had sex Easter Sunday morning. It was a good time, but neither of us has gotten off with the other yet. It's very strange - both of us seem to have the problem of getting really close and then a mental block stops us or something. I don't know. We'll see where it goes. She and I are in a strange spot at the moment. We're in kind of a relationship, but not really. I mean, we hang out a lot, are rather intimate in privacy (cuddling, etc), and are having sex. However, in any social setting, we still act like just friends. It's very odd, but seems to be working alright for both of us at the moment. We had kind of a conversation about it, and decided our relationship was best expressed as "complicated." Works for me.

Without going into lewd details, that's about all of the news from me. Happy belated Easter to all. Celebrate with a tasteless Jesus joke (example below).





What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?



It only takes one nail to hang the picture.




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Life takes interesting turns

Well, I'm back at school this week. Haven't updated in a while, and some interesting things have been happening.

Yesterday was housing selection process - a few of my friends and I (current roomie, BT, and Simmons) were aiming to get a suite in the upper class dorm. However, we didn't have a good enough housing score, and are now on the wait list. That was annoying. Last night was a scheduling nightmare - everything happened at 7. Housing, fencing, a schedule advising thing in my major. Ugh. I skipped out on fencing, but made it to the other two (housing took forever). I then went and hung out with a friend that I hadn't seen in a long while, which was fun. Overall, a rather busy night.

Things with Jill and I are at an interesting point. The Sunday we came back, we hooked up. Monday, we hooked up. However, there was no actual sex. This wasn't for lack of trying, she is just really really tight, and I am less than small. However, we both had fun, and I only gave her one hickey (which she was a little annoyed about, understandably). It's strange to be in a relationship like this - it's not really boyfriend/girlfriend, but it's not really fuck buddies either. I suppose it's the standard relationship without the titles. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I mean, I like the idea of having a fuck buddy, but I like intimacy as well. Ugh. I need to just suck it up, and have a girlfriend. My problem with that, is that I want to be free to pursue what/whoever I feel like or who offers. A girlfriend kind of prohibits that. Maybe I'm just fucked up. The problem is that whenever I become involved with someone, someone else offers. That's annoying.

Relationships complicate everything. Fuck that. I should just stay single and chaste forever. My life would be so much simpler.



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