Bleh

It's been an interesting weekend so far. Friday was the "date" (more on that later), and then Saturday I went to see the college a capella group perform on Main Street. That was interesting, but the sound engineering absolutely sucked. That was unfortunate because the a capella group actually seemed like it had some talent. Oh well. It was interesting to watch. After that my roommate and I went to see Blues Traveler with a bunch of our friends. That was pretty cool. It was the first "big" concert I've been too - there were like 700 people or so. Blues Traveler was pretty cool, but I liked the opening band much better - Robert Randolph and the Family Band. The bassist for them was really really good. He played a funk style mostly, and was very good at it. He reminded me of Victor Wooten (who I also saw in concert) in some ways, but wasn't quite as good. After that I went up to one of the dorms to visit a friend, and then went to one of the frats, who had just finished the pledging process. That was ok, but rather exhausting. Overall it was an interesting night. Today I was supposed to be at a track meet, but the bus left at 7:15 (which would mean I needed to get up around 6), and I got back at 2. So I didn't wake up in time and consequently missed the bus. We'll see what my coaches say on Monday.

So onto the date - it was a wonderful time, with a wonderful girl, and that's about it. I took her tanning first, then we went to dinner, and then to see "American Dreamz," which is a pretty good movie. It was a fairly relaxing time, and very fun. The only bad thing was the mis-communication I had with my ex about what time the car needed to be back (see previous entry). The girl, call her Jen, is quite a character. We had some good conversations, but I realized something that really disheartened me - we really have nothing in common. There are a few common interests, but that's about it. She's an art major, and will be transferring next year to another college. She's been accepted to the opposing school that is in the same town as the one we're at now, but her parents are really opposed to that. They want her to be closer to home. This means that even if she and I start a relationship, as unlikely as that may be, it won't work out. There are like 3 weeks of school left, and then summer break and she lives at least 4 hours away from me. That would be rough. Also there's the fact that I think she just considers me a friend. She has called me cute on numerous occasions, but I really am not good at detecting sarcasm on stuff like that, due to high school where absolutely no one was interested in me. Therefore I think that everytime someone compliments me, they are making fun of me. This is bad.

I also really don't know what I actually feel about her. I know I'm attracted to her, but do I want a relationship? Do I want a friendship with intamacy (fuck buddy)? or do I want a "one night stand"? I think its a toss up between friends with intamacy or a relationship, but I feel the need to know how Jen feels first. The reason that I get the feeling that she thinks of me more as a friend is the fact that she didn't think of the dinner and a movie as a date (the topic came up that I have only been on two dates other than that one, and her response was "This is a date?"). Also, I see her at parties and things and she kind of ignores me, but only slightly. Maybe I just read into things way too far. Overall I'm just way confused.

Oh well. Life will go on.

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I fail at life

So this evening was rather interesting. The day went along with me feeling like I wasn't doing anything, although I had two classes and a quiz as well as work. After work, I went on a "date" with my current interest - it was just dinner and a movie, so I'm not sure if it was an actual date, but it was a good time. I borrowed my ex-girlfriend's car so I didn't have to have a taxi following me for the night. So I went to dinner, and then the movie (which started at 7:30 ish) and got back around 9:30. American Dreamz is a hysterical movie, I might add. So when I pull back into the parking lot, I run into my ex-girlfriend, who is throwing a fit. Apparently I had agreed to bring the car back at 6, and my ex had some place that she needed to be at 9. Therefore, she was royally pissed. I had no idea that I had agreed to bring the car back so early. It certainly would have been doable, but would have cramped the evening. Ugh. That really damped the evening. To top it off, I feel really bad about it. I mean, I was the one who borrowed the car, and then didn't return it. It's my fault, and I probably caused undue stress and complication to someone whom I'm actually friends with. Goddammit! Well, not much I can do about it now.

Crap. It would have been a very fun evening otherwise. Grr.


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Grrr!

Right now I'm simultaneously pissed off at the world and really depressed. I'm not sure how that works, but it sucks. I think that some of the feeling comes from my interest in the girl I talked about in earlier posts. I have no idea what her feelings towards me are, and it's driving me crazy! I just want it to be clear - is that too much to ask? Whatever. On the subject of girls, I suddenly seem to have a lot of them after me (except the one that I want to be after me!!). It's slightly unnerving. In high school, no one, and I mean no one, expressed interest in me. It was all the "Oh you're a wonderful guy, but I'm not intersted in you like that." So to have three different girls asking for my attention at once is a little wierd for me. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but like I said in my previous post, I don't really like having attention focused on me. One of the girls has a fiance and they just recently went through a really rough time. Afterwards she said she had a wierd/comforting thought. She thought that it would be really comforting if I would have held her as she fell asleep, basically acting as a live teddy bear. I really like her, and if she were single, I wouldn't mind hooking up with her. However, she is engaged. Small problem. We'll see what happens with that.

So I went to programming lab this morning and no one was there. No one. That made me think I missed something in class about lab being held someplace else. I know we have a test on Wed and Thurs (two part test), but what about today? Hmm. I then realized I forgot my book, and decided that I should just go back to my room and do the lab there on my laptop. Ugh. So that's what I'm theoretically doing now.

Well writing this has helped me calm down a little. I'm really not sure why I even have this. I've never kept a journal before, and no one is likely to read this. What is the point? Whatever. Time to do schoolwork.

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Interesting . . . very interesting.

I had a thought last night as I was falling asleep. Now I know that's common for most people, but this thought really made some things in my life click. As I was falling asleep, I thought to myself "I really hate having attention drawn to me." This was so true that I almost sat up in my bed (which is fixed now) and yelled for joy. This thought explains my whole attitude in life - I'm always in the background, never really talking to tons of people, not out in the limelight. I'm extremely uneasy whenever I have focused attention on just me- whether its in front of a group of people or just a single person whom I'm having a conversation with. This doesn't really make that much sense for me, because my summer job was as the interpreter at a museum, talking to tons of people a day. However that was different - the focus wasn't on me, it was on what I was presenting. I was just a live recording for it to be expressed to the public. Whenever the subject of a conversation switches around to me, I get uneasy. I start second guessing what I'm say- do I sound like an ass? am I being to blunt? is the person actually interested in what I'm saying? And then I start stuttering and generally sounding retarded. It's no fun.

Oh well. I guess it's something I'l have to learn to live with, or learn how to counteract. It's always good to have goals in life, isn't it?

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Bleh

I've been feeling really down lately. I'm not sure why - I'm doing ok in school (well, getting by in school), I made States in track, I have friends, I should be fine. But I feel kind of depressed. Oh well.

So last night was rather interesting - I did a number on my bed, and can no longer sleep in it. Every night, I usually bounce on my bed as a settling down "ritual" before I go to sleep. If there is someone under me, I ask "What time is it?" and immediately say "Bedtime!" as I flop down on the bed. Now I am substantially over two hundred pounds, and me throwing myself on a lofted bed with someone under it scares the living shit out of them. It's a great reaction. Last night was different. The bed broke, and I came crashing down on top of them. Luckily no one got hurt. However my bed frame will never hold my weight again, so I duct taped it back together so it would hold the mattress up, and slept on the futon. The work order for a replacement bed was filed this morning and hopefully I'll have a new bed by the end of the weekend.

College is amazing.

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Hmmm

So I skipped my first class today - I should be there now. I'm not really sure why I did, and that's kind of unnerving me. I need to keep my grades up if I want to stay in school, and if I keep skipping classes that's not going to happen. I really do want to stay here, it's just that the classes can be so annoying at times. Admittedly it was a lab portion that I skipped, but I can do it on my own time - it's just a question of whether I will. The teacher is extremely annoying, and unfortunately is also my academic advisor. Maybe that's one of the reasons I didn't go to class - nt having to deal with her certainly brightens up my day :)

So instead of attending class, I am sitting in my dorm room, listening to classical music, and questioning why I didn't go to class. Hmm. At least the music I'm listening to is very cool - "Flourish and Dances" performed by the New York Staff Band with Patrick Sheridan on tuba. Speaking of tubas and music, that's something I've been pndering lately. Throughout high school, I played tuba at a fairly high level, and played electric bass in the Jazz band. Here at college, the wind ensemble conflicts with everything else that I do - like track, work, and classes. I miss playing, but not the rehersals. Rehersals suck. But the playing a wonderful piece of music and getting everything right - that I miss. I've found myself singing along to almost any song I hear now. That's never happened to me before. I usually hate singing. My mom told me something that someone had once said to her - "Once you reach a certain level of music, you cannot live without it." I think I hit that level. I've played something on at least a weekly basis since around 4th grade. I made All-State Wind Ensemble the three times I tried out, and made District Band 8th - 12th grade (every year I tried out, again). I also played in two community bands, which were at a solid amateur level. Then there's Tuba Christmas - I've managed to attend one of those evey year for the past 5 or 6 years. I do miss it. Playing music has always made me feel relaxed and happy on some level - almost like a natural high. I think part of the reason that I've been feeling kind of down as a general thing.

I'm going to go play my bass now :)

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. . .

A few days ago, I realized that I was being an ass as a general thing. I was kind of shocked by that moment. I mean, I know I'm a sarcastic bastard in general, but when I realized I was saying things that were fairly mean, just because there was a tiny kernel of humor in them, I was a little surprised at myself. At home, I'm always considered the "nice guy", a person who is polite and somewhat funny, (or at least that was the impression that I got from others). When I came home for October break (halfway through the first semester), apparently I had become "more of a boy." This was from one of my sister's friends, and it was not said in a good way. I guess that meant that I had become ruder and less caring. That kind of hit me out of the blue. So I thought about that and came back to school, and tried to be less of the stereotypical boy. I thought I was doing ok, but then this struck me. One of my friends had a really rough friday night (he got kissed by another guy, and he is extremely straight), and I haven't let him live it down. Admittedly, his reaction is hysterical, and there are so many opportunities to make fun of him. However, one of my older female friends asked why me and my roommate make so much fun of him if we actually like him. I thought about that for a while, and realized that I don't really like him as a friend that much. He's a great classmate, but I could do without him in the social scene. After I realized that, I thought to myself "Well, you've made fun of him way too much for anyone normal to take, and he has still come back. Maybe it's not worth it." So I'm going to see what I can do about not saying asinine things on a regular basis anymore. I'll work on keeping my mouth shut, and just chuckling to myself. We'll see how that goes.

On a brighter note, I think that a girl is trying to get into my pants! She's really beautiful, and has a great personality, has told me that I'm cute multipule times (drunk and sober), and just recently broke up with her boyfriend. So, unless I am completely misinterpreting the situation, I might actually have a chance. Sweet!

Also, I think I misnamed this blog. I'm actually very rarely enraged, although I am sort of a wookie. I was having rage issues when I made this blog, so it seemed appropriate at the time. Maybe it should be called "Musings of a Yeti" since I've been called that as well . . . Nah. "Ramblings of an Enraged Wookie" has a certain ring to it that I like. Well, if anyone is reading this - let me know what you think!

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:)

Well, I'm in a pretty good mood. I just got back from a track meet at a college about 30 minutes away from mine, and hit the state standard for javelin! I'm in! Well, I'm probably in. As long as not too many other people get the standard - I got the B standard, which means I get in if there are free spots. But still! I got a college PR (personal record) and to top that off, I made it into the finals for jav! As a freshman! Admittedly it was a small meet, but I'll take what I can get.

Speaking of taking what I can get, my roommate is trying to convince me that it's ok to sleep with drunk girls. I'm still not so sure on that - A) I'm not sure where I stand on that on a morale scale and B) I'm still not sure if I have HPV or not. My roommate went to get checked out, and it was after his appointment that he started talking about getting me laid. So I guess he's clean? Who knows. My ex-gilfriend was getting checked again today I think, so I'll talk to her and see what's up. I do hope that this whole thing was nothing more than a gynecologist's mistake (that doesn't sound as good as it is, does it?).

On that note, I'm off to take a shower. Because I smell (a track meet with an hour bus ride, after a normal day will do that).

Later.

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Heargh . . . bleh

I watched Episodes 75-77 of Red vs Blue last night - those guys are genius. For those of you who don't know what it is, a group of people took the game Halo, and started making movies with it. They have just finished Season 4, and you should all go watch it! They are free to download, and extremely amusing.

I was reading Google News this morning and am appalled at what is happening in the world. A guy kills 6 of his family members, bombings at Jama Masjid, rebels attach Chad - the whole world is against each other. One article made me feel a little better. It was about how military officers are starting to call for Rumsfeld's resignation. Apparently he's not very good at his job- well no shit! I'm glad the people in power are starting to realize it as well.

On a completely different note, the article I saw about a dual boot Mac using an Intel processor caught my attention. If that works out well, I am definitely going to see if I can get one, although I have absolutely no money at this time.

So this weekend I'm off to a track meet 5 hours away - talk about a long bus ride. I'm going to see if I can get a few books to read on the trip. I've read all the ones I have at school here at least twice. I need some new material. I made my roommate's day though - I asked him for a tie. The track coach has the team dress up when we travel any distance, and I have no ties, so I needed to borrow one. His response? "Yay I get to dress the wookie up!" I feel loved.

Happy Easter everyone!

Continuing

Well the test wasn't as hard as I thought it would be - 100 questions in half an hour? Not too bad, if I say so myself. It might help that I'm a rather quick reader.

Now that I have finished that in substantially less time than I thought I was going to, I have an hour to kill before my next class - I guess I'll elaborate on how last week really sucked.

The week started off pretty well - normal every day stuff, readjusting to school after a week long break. Then on Tuesday, I was talking to my ex-girlfriend (whom I'm still very good friends with), and she dropped some very disturbing news - "I might have given you an STD." Well, talk about a way to ruin someone's week! I was a virgin when I met her, we dated for about a month (me loosing my virginity and learning some valuable skills during that time), and then we broke it off, seeing as we had a month long vacation and then she was going to be out of the country for another month. When we met, she said she was clean, and hadn't slept with anyone for a while. Since I hadn't slept with anyone, ever, I too was clean. My question is, Where did the STD come from? They don't just randomly appear, do they?

When I thought about it, me having an STD doesn't really make much difference. I have no sex life to begin with. My ex and I had a good time while we were together, but now we are just friends (we hooked up once after she came back but that's all). However, the STD that she might have given me is HPV - human papiloma virus. A virus! I can't just take anti-biotics for that and then go on my merry way. No, I have to wait a year or two, and then see if my body gets rid of it on its own! So much for my college sex life. I'd rather have gotten chlamydia or somehing. Shit. On the bright side - she looked into it and apparently the Planned Parenthood in town is famous for making mistakes with HPV - so she's going to see what the biopsy results are for a better idea of whether she really did have it. I have yet to go get checked out, partially because I don't trust them if they have a reputation for screwing up test results.

The bad thing about this is that through my ex girlfriend, both my roommate, and one of my ex's roommates might have gotten this. We had a "masturbation party" that got a little bit over the top, and ended up with me going down on both my ex and one of her roommates. This roommate then hooked up with my roommate for a while, and so now we all might have HPV. Life works in wierd ways.

As I was saying though - this doesn't really effect me. That's sad I know, but it's true. I have no sex life. I refuse to sleep with drunk girls (though that has been sorely tested), and no one else seems to be interested. I have no idea why. Maybe I'm just shy? I've been told I'm intimidating - could that cause problems? I have plenty of friends who are girls, just none that are interested in having sex with me - at least none that I know of. Still my friends tell me that I have good Karma - I take care of them when they are smashed, am the Drunk Chauffer, and refuse the advances of drunk women. So according to them, I will get what's coming to me, and it's going to be good. I certainly hope so! What I truly hope is that I get it when I am able to appreciate it. If the most perfect woman approached me and said that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, and I had to say "Sorry, I have HPV"- that would suck! It would be unfair, and proof that there is a god, and he hates me. Please don't let that happen.

Anyways, that was the start of the week. It just went down from there. Not for me (finding out you might have an STD is kinda the bottom), but for everyone else. It seemed like all of my friends had problems! One of them found out her fiance was cheating on her and they almost broke up (I still think they should have). That was a rough night. Another night, on of my other friends calls me and my roommate in tears, asking us to come to her room. We get there, and she's sobbing that she hates boys. Apparently the guy she was sleeping with was being a total asshole to her in front of all of her friends. So my roomie and I consoled her, and told her to get rid of him. She said she couldn't because she needed sex way too badly, and didn't want to go to the trouble of finding another guy. Now that's just lazy! If someone is being a jerk, stay away from them! Find someone else! I don't understand girls.

Also during this whole time was an ongoing birthday celebration for my roommate and one of our friends. We had people over to our room and there was alcohol involved (for them, I don't drink), and the RA stopped by. Oh boy! By this time all the beer was gone, except for what people had in their hands. This was promptly hidden, and we opened the door. I was sober, one of the girls was sober, my roommate was totally shitfaced, our friend couldn't really stand up, and the other 8 people in the room (a college double) were at varying states of buzzed. The RA had come by to "make sure we knew about the housing process for next year" and we spent about 10 minutes talking about that. Then right as he was leaving, he said "Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to ask - we got an anonymous tip that there was alcohol in here tonight." My roommate's response? "We've been getting that a lot. OF course there's nothing here." Thankfully the RA believed him and knew most everyone in room were "good kids" so he went on his merry way. Right before our spring break (three weeks ago now), my roommate had gottne caught for having beer in the room. Now apparently we are on the RA "Black List" of people who are going to have booze in the room. That's just great. Oh well - we have friends who are seniors who have a townhouse. I guess the parties are going to be there for the next while.

So that's the summary of the worst week of college as of yet. Who knows where things are going from here?

So . . .

Well I decided to make a blog of my very own. The past few weeks have been rough, and I haven't really wanted to talk to people about them, yet I feel the need to verbalize them in some fashion. I'll get to those in later posts. However, this post is just a disclosure - I'm horrible at blogs, online journals, or anything involving updating on a regular basis. If anyone happens to read this and expects more, prepare to be disappointed. I tend to forget about things like this (my Xanga account has fallen by the wayside), or just loose interest. But don't worry, I don't think too many people will be reading this in the first place.

So on that note, I have to go bomb a test for school.