And . . . bleh

Well, I've had a cold for the past few days - nose thinking it's related to a waterfall, lungs occasionally trying to jump out of my chest through my throat, headache once in a while. Thankfully, I'm mostly over it now.

This past week has been interesting, I guess. The being sick kind of sucked, but I also realized I might have a chance at getting laid. However, I also realized that I think of how my actions affect other people far too much. The girl who expressed interest in me, is a close friend with my close female friend who told me she was interested in pursuing something more with me (which I shut down, as far as I can tell). Therefore, if I was to hook up with this other girl, I think my close friend's feelings would be hurt. Also, my school is really small (1500 people), so any news travels like wildfire. I hate being the subject of rumors. Ugh. Why do I think so much?!! It's annoying, and leads to me missing out on lots of opportunities. Oh well.

I had a thought the other day, that I am one of the people in life who is just there to help other people enjoy life. I live through other people's experiences. Maybe that's bad, maybe I just suck at life. Who knows.



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Why is it that whenever there is one girl interested in me, there is all of a sudden at least two others who are also interested in me? I hate that. I really dislike hurting people emotionally, and having to make a choice of who I'm interested in can do that (especially when two people who are friends both like me). I hate making choices - I always second guess myself and end up just kind of waffling and ignoring the fact that I have to deal with it. Ugh.

Things with Betty and my sister are interesting. Apparently since Betty has told my sister that she is interested in hooking up with me, my sister won't talk to her. That seems a little bit extreme to me. I mean, Betty and Sis have been friends for a long time. Maybe Sis feels betrayed or something, that Betty likes me and is more interested in me than her at the current moment. Who knows. At least Sis is still talking to me.

I have been feeling rather down of late. I think it's because I haven't been playing music regularly, and that I haven't been doing anything truly fun. Also, my roommate has hooked up three separate times since the semester has started. I have been awake for all of them (he thought I had fallen asleep). That's a bit depressing. He always has tons of girls falling over him, who just want to get in his pants. How does he do that? I guess I should be glad that there are a few girls who want to date me as opposed to screw my brains out, but I'm not really interested in an actual committed relationship now. I want to be able to hang out with friends, do my own thing, flirt freely, and not feel guilty about neglecting my girlfriend. Ugh.



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Surreal life

This past week has very interesting. My schedule is rather relaxed, although I have to do extremely well in all of my classes to keep my scholarship. However, I think that's doable, if I apply myself. The past two days, the college has been shut down. Wed was due to snow (we got like 30" overnight), and Thurs was due to a water main breaking. The way my schedule panned out, I don't have classes on Tues. So I had the entire middle of the week off. I didn't know what to do with myself. I played video games for a bit, dug people out of the snow, went sledding, hung out in the room, basically did nothing major. I didn't get my books for class until today.

Last night was also interesting - I hung out with Betsy and her roommate for a few hours. We had some fun conversations about sex, and things progressed to me feeling up Betsy rather intimately (hand under shirt, no bra, for a while - I also slid my hand down her pants for a sec, but she was less than amused by that, since her roomie was there). I also groped her roomie for a brief moment, which caused much hilarity. I really enjoy hanging out with Betsy, but I'm not sure how I feel about hooking up with her (if that even happens), due in part to things with Betty, Betsy's boy interest, and basically not wanting to be considered a whore (like my roomie). I dunno, I think to much, thus I don't get laid. What are female's opinions on this?


That's about all the fun stuff that's happened recently.



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Worthless . . .

. . . is how I've been feeling of late. Being home reminds me of how untalented I am. I don't know if it's my mom ragging on me, or just being around people who are very accomplished, but I end up feeling like I've done nothing with my life. Ugh.

Today, I almost got in three car wrecks, in one trip. One pulling out of the driveway, starting the journey - I hesitated after I looked, and then didn't check again. Later, pulling out of a store parking lot, I checked the wrong way while turning right on red (legal move), and ended up almost running into a person who had the initial right of way. After that, when I was pulling out of a grocery store (this particular grocery store has a horrible exit intersection), I looked, pulled out, and still almost hit someone. My mother was riding with me throughout this entire trip. God, I suck at driving.

I really don't know why I get so down whenever I'm home. Much of it likely has to do with my mom, and her style. She is very energetic, and not at all tactful. I love her dearly, but sometimes I get sooo pissed at her. She is on this huge kick about being fat and it's getting on my nerves. I know I'm fat (or at least substantially un-skinny). I don't need to be reminded every two seconds. She also tells things very straight, which isn't that helpful when I'm not feeling happy to begin with. I dunno. I end up feeling unaccomplished whenever I talk with her. Maybe it's because she has high standards, maybe it's because I have nothing resembling self esteem. I don't know.

I had a very interesting conversation with Betty the other night about what inspired the imagination. She was of the opinion that pain and emotional angst inspired most of it. I questioned that - can't happiness inspire your imagination? This lead to a huge discussion about the human pysche, and what our natural state was - happy or in pain. This reminded me of the results I got on all of those high school surveys about what jobs you should look into. Every single survey I took said I should look into psychology as a field. If I wasn't so unnerved by people as a whole, I think that would be fun. I have to take a psychology class to graduate, so we'll see what happens with it. Maybe I'll like it so much that I change my major. Who knows.

So that's where things stand with me right now. Ugh.



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Why.

Yesterday should have been a wonderful day. Maybe that's why it ended up sucking. I woke up at noon, which was nice, and helped my sister with her college application stuff. That was a little annoying, but overall not bad. I then drove to the mailbox with my mom, mailed some stuff, and my mom got me a digital camera (which I was really surprised at!). Then my sister and I went to see "Smokin Aces", which was amazing. Good action, well done plot twists, sweet explosions, overall good. I love action movies. After that, I grabbed some mem cards for my camera, and then drove home. On the way home, I drove a bit excessively, and at the very end, slid sideways into the driveway. My sister totally flipped at this. Admittedly, I was sliding sideways and was kind of heading towards her car. She was right to flip out. She ended up screaming at me for a bit, and then when I went to tell my mom that we were home safe, she gave me a stern talking to about how driving recklessly was going to get me killed.

I don't know why, but being screamed at and then chastised really hit me hard. I mean, I know I don't drive safely, and I know I should. But it's not nearly as enjoyable to put around like a grandma. However, this time, I ended up feeling like a total retard and looser. I have been called a maniac driver like 6 times in the past week. Obviously, I'm doing something wrong. I drive with intent to unnerve my passengers, and am far too cocky about my abilities. I need to stop driving. Fuck.


I hate myself.




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Life is . . .

. . . rarely worth it. That's all.

Well the other night was very interesting. Very interesting. I was talking to Betty, and the subject swung to sex, as it often does. We started talking about fantasies, and ended up having a very hot cyber sex session. I was surprised, to say the least. This was the first time I truly 'cybered' as such, and I must say, it's way more fun than it sounds. I ended up saving the conversation, and turning it into a story (we basically started sharing fantasies, and then started taking turns on writing a single fantasy involving us). It was really cool, and the story turned out rather well, I think.

I'm honestly not sure how I feel about Betty. I really love her as a friend, and certainly wouldn't mind taking her virginity, but I don't really want to put either of us through a long distance relationship. I guess we'll see what Spring semester brings at school, and where we stand at the beginning of the summer.

So, I'm home now, and have gotten all of my birthday presents. Yay for being old now, at least according to some people (my sister called me old man wrinkles - I told her she was adopted). I got some cool things - a 4gb flash drive, a new laser mouse for my comps, and the entire season of Hellsing (an interesting anime series about vampire hunters). Nothing super exciting tho. I also am getting some parts for my buggy (allowing me to rebuild the ignition system).

I'd forgotten how boring home was.




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So . . . how are things?

This past week has been pretty good, overall. Rather normal in fact. Which in a way is kind of bad. Yesterday was my 20th birthday. Today was the last day of the J-Term. I should feel excited for a break, visiting the family, not being a teenager anymore. Instead - bleh. Nothing.

My social life has been going along normally - my roommate got home from England (he did get arrested while in Parliment, due to having a pocket knife on him, but other than that he didn't have too many insane stories), and visited for a while. A bunch of the people I hung out with over J-Term are rather annoyed at him currently, but I think it's going to work out ok. Jeannie and he are on tense terms, which has made things a bit awkward. Spring semester should be interesting.

I've been having some very interesting conversations with Betty recently, and have been talking to Jen more often. Most of the conversations have centered around sex, which has been fun. I really enjoy talking about sex with people. Is that weird? Jen actually told me that if she had a means of transport, she would have driven up for my birthday, and had sex with me. That was a confidence boost, but also a depressing thing, because she didn't have a car, haha. Oh well, at least now I know where we stand as far as interest in each other goes.

Other than that, nothing really has been going on. We'll see what happens when I get home tomorrow.



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