Bored and procrastinating

On Christmas Eve. Fuck. Talk about festive spirit, and all that. Screw that. It doesn't feel like Christmas! There's no fucking snow!!! Ugh. I'm feeling particularly Grinch-y this Christmas. That's not a good thing.

I've been thinking a lot about this photo thing with the girl from school (Betsy from here on out). I really enjoy flirting with her (and enjoy the pics, duh, haha!), but I don't want to lead her on at all. I don't know how to convey that too her though. I guess I'll have to talk to her in person.

I reread my entire blog today - boy, that brought back some memories. It's cool how much of a record this is. I had forgotten a lot of the things I wrote about. I've had this blog for a bit over a half a year now. It's amazing how much happens in that time.

I got my grades a few days ago - it was a relief. Out of 5 classes - 2 A-'s, 2 B's, and 1 C. Much better than I was hoping for. I was really worried about Game Design (which I got a B in, due to the prof's mercy, w00t!) and PreCalc turned out to be a C, and probably should have been an F - again, nice curving by the prof. The others were pretty much straight up. Overall tho, it raised my GPA to a 2.91 (cumulative). That means, that if I get a 3.3 or so next semester (and an A over J-Term), I should be golden. Whew. Slightly less stress about school.

Well, I suppose I should wrap presents now. Ugh. In closing, check out this previous post about why Santa doesn't exist - makes me laugh everytime :)



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Sex and drugs for Christmas . . . this ought to be good

Like the title says, sex and drugs for Christmas - it has been an interesting past few days. My best friend from high school came back, and we've hung out quite a bit. That was awesome. The LAN party was great - seeing my friends, staying up all night, lots of hilarity. One of my friends had just gotten a Nintendo Wii, and we got to play around with that a bunch - boy, does that make you feel ridiculous. It's a wonderful technology idea though. Needs a bit of refining, but has definite possibility - the Wii Sports game is intensely addictive.

After that, I got three hours of sleep - then my mom, my best friend from High School (call him Sam), and I went up to a local Best Buy, and bought RAM for my mom's computer. When we got home, Sam and I installed Windows Vista on it. That is cool. I'm not sure if I like it or not, but it's definitely interesting, and has some really neat features. I installed a copy of it on my good laptop, and have been exploring it a bit. The final judgement will be on how it works with games.

After installing that on my mom's comp, my mom and I brought Sam home - the roads were a little icy, and I was super tired, so she drove. When we got home from that, literally as we pulled into the driveway, my sister calls - her car had broken down, and she and two of her friends were kind of stranded in the big city nearby (half an hour drive away). My mom and I turned around and headed up to get her. I ended up driving her and her friends back in my mom's car, while my mom took my sister's car straight home (it was just making a weird noise or something). I got home at 11. I was beat, and rather annoyed. So, that was an annoying end to a wonderful few days.

Last night was another interesting night. I took my sister, and one of her friends who is interested in me, to a party hosted by their friends. That was an interesting time. When we left, my mom was like "You guys can go, but only if you bring me back some pot." We were all like "What?!" None of us were sure if she was serious. We didn't end up getting her any (combination of too tired, and kind of worried she was joking). However, when I talked to her about it this morning, she was like "I really wouldn't mind having some." So . . . I guess she was serious. She told me about building log cabins out of joints when she was in college. I was impressed.

My night after the party got much more interesting. I was talking to one of my friends from school (female), who took this past semester off, on AIM and inquired about one of her pictures on Facebook (the caption was "2am . .. you'll have to talk to me to find out"). She was like "You would have wanted to be there - I was nekkid." Of course, I was like "Ooo! More pictures?" and she actually showed them too me! I was surprised (and happy, lol). I think she really wants to hook up with me. The problem with that is that a) she wants my babies (and has told me this) and b) I don't really want anything from her other than sex and friendship. She's more interested in a relationship, to the best of my knowledge. Also, I'm worried that if I sleep with her, she'll get super clingy, and I really don't want to deal with that. However, I did enjoy the pictures she sent me. I feel like I kind of used her - I mean, I definitely encouraged her to send them too me. I feel like I'm leading her on, just for my own pleasure. Ugh. This is why I have trouble with anything resembling a relationship - I overthink things, and then triple guess myself after I make a choice. Crap. I really don't know how to treat this - I'd love to hook up with her, but that could have so many bad repercussions . . . damn it. I need to not think about this so much.

So that's been my past few days - I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season so far, and that your Christmas and New Year turn out well!




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Complicated

Why does life have to be so complicated? It's so annoying. I guess I'm ranting about the social aspect of it, more than anything. Over the past two weeks, two girls have expressed interest in starting a relationship with me. A different one has been almost hinting at it (and I've heard that she's into me). Two others responded to one of my away messages with "Sounds like fun ;)" - the away message was "Don't you were my homework? That way you could have me, doing you, on my desk, over and over, until it was perfect?" The main problem with all of this is that I don't really want to get involved with any of them past the friendship stage. I mean, I wouldn't mind sleeping with most of them, but I really don't want to have a committed relationship with any of them. One of the two wanting a relationship is a close friend at school, and the other is my sister's best friend, who I'm pretty good friends with as well. I talked to the girl from school last night, and we both agreed that we valued our friendship more than a relationship. So that is dealt with. The situation with my sister's friend is still kind of up in the air. I want to hang out with her over this vacation, but I don't want it to be awkward. I guess I'll just have to talk it out with her.

The one who has been hinting at a getting with me is also from school, but she's going to be out of the country over J-Term, which is both sad and relieving. That whole thing will wait until second semester. The other two, I might just be imagining things. One is my close friend's roommate, which is a little awkward. However, I think she could just be flirting for the fun of it. The other is a Morman, and doesn't believe in sex before marriage. However, I really don't want to marry her. So that option is out, hahaha! I like her otherwise tho, as a friend.

So that's the situation with me so far. Break has been rather relaxing, despite the fact that I'm semi-allergic to the 4 cats we have at home. My best friend from high school is coming home tomorrow, and the day after, there's a LAN party happening. It'll be a good time.


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Home

Well, I'm home for the holiday break. It's good to be through with exams, even though I didn't do all that wonderfully. I have one class grade back, from PreCalc (C-). That isn't so good - it means to stay level as far as a GPA goes, I have to get A's in my other classes and maybe one B. The problem there is that one of my classes (Game Design) kicked my ass in a major way. I think the teacher is cutting me some slack because it wasn't all me just goofing off - the program we were using disliked me as well. There were also other people in a similar situation. I think my other classes are A-/A range (except for possibly Austro German, which is closer to a mid B). So hopefully it works out, and my overall GPA stays the same, or at least close. I hate having to worry about things like this.

Other than that, the end of the semester was rather uneventful. I really didn't stress that much over exams, which I'm glad for. The two girls who I'm pretty positive have romantic interest in me are both going to Prague over J-Term, so I don't really have to worry about that. Ugh, I feel like such a bastard for basically ignoring that. I really don't know what to do though. I have great talent at digging myself into huge holes when I try to explain things that have personal significance to people (ie, my roomie and I were tossing a girl around, and I was like "It's easier with someone smaller" and then I was like, "Shit she's going to think I said she's fat" - so I said, "Nothing against you - you're perfectly average." She didn't appreciate that, and has been ragging on me about it ever since. The bad part is that she has a wonderful body, and is actually very attractive. However, in her past, she had a boyfriend type who was like "You need to lose weight" while she looked close to what she does now. Therefore she's rather sensitive about comments like I made. Now she brings it up, and I do my best to explain it, and just dig the hole deeper. Ugh.

Since I have no presents for my mom for Christmas, I told her that I would revamp her computer (which has been uber slow of late). I have a new graphics card that I'm not using which will help the machine a lot, and I have a copy of Vista Business (the new version of Windows that just came out). Those combined should boost that machine a lot (especially since I have to wipe the hard drive to install the new version of Windows). Maybe I'll pick up some RAM for it as well. I dunno. It's going to be a fun project though :)

So that's the update - it's the start of a boring vacation ('cept for the fact that my best friend from high school is coming to visit! w00t!!!).


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Failure?

Recently I've been feeling decidely . . . looserish, for lack of a better term. I feel as if I have no really abilities. I mean, yes I know I have some, but none that are useful. I am the best 5 year old out there, as far as making funny noises (pops, clicks, whistles, whatever). That's about it as far as ability that I feel that I have currently. In high school, I was good in school - college, not so much. I'm essentially failing out with B's (due to scholarship requirements - if I lose that, I can't really stay). Mostly this (the feeling of failure), was brought on by a math test - every time I have a math test, I feel like a complete moron. I never remember any of the things I need to, and to top it off, I am in one of the lower level math classes (PreCalc), which is a first for me. I hate feeling dumb.

I think my major problem is I'm not good at anything I want to be good at - video games (other than Forza, which I have spent far too much time on), sports, driving, sex, computers, artistic anything, life in general. Ugh. Why do I always feel that I should excel at anything I do without trying?

That's all the whining for today.


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Beta?

Just a quick note - I've switched to Blogger Beta, or whatever that new version is. Hopefully nothing happens because of it. I'll post something more interesting later.

I hate life.

Mine particularly. Maybe not my life, so much as myself. I have absolutely no motivation in life. About anything. The end of the semester is next week, I have shitloads of work to do, and this weekend, when I had time to do it, what did I do? Hung out with some friends, saw the new James Bond movie (which I really enjoyed), and did absolutely nothing.

Here's the workload I had at the beginning of the weekend -
2 5 page papers for Austro German culture (duedate - unsure)
1 5 min presentation for Museum Studies (duedate - Friday)
1 5-10 page paper for Museum Studies about the subject of the presentation (due on exam day)
1 quiz for Game Design - a mini game (due a long while back, but making it up)
1 final project for Game Design - an actual game, which has not been started (duedate - not sure, before exam, I think)
5 math exams and quizzes to make up (due date, before exam)

And the workload after the weekend? Exactly the same. I finished texture mapping a model for the game design quiz, and did a bit of research for the Austro German papers, but that's it. Now, and I hesitate to say this because it's really just an excuse, but if there hadn't been people in the room the entire weekend, I think I might have gotten more done. Probably not though. The people in the room were some of my roommates friends, one of whom went to our school first semester our freshman year. He failed out (parental choice), and went to school closer to home. He now is working, and saving up money to come to the state school in the same town as my school. However, he is a major druggie, as were the two friends he brought with him. I don't mind that aspect that much, because he's a pretty nice guy. However, one of his friends defines the stereotypical fratboy - wasted 24/7 with nothing resembling anything productive to say, and has no social tact. The entire weekend I wanted to just break his neck. The other guy was actually ok, and could hold a conversation.

So they showed up Friday night, at like midnight. That was a bit excessive. However, there was stuff going on in our room, and it was pretty fun. However, it went on a bit much. There was an average of like 9 people in our room with the max being 14. That was a little nervewracking. I went to bed around 3 or so. Sometime around 4, they started to get really loud, and I ended up asking those who weren't crashing in the room to head out. I felt like kind of a bastard, but come on. It was 4 in the morning. That's past bed time.

Saturday, I went to see the Bond movie (after getting up around 10, for no good reason). I did get some work done before that. After the Bond movie, I went and hung out with some friends at one of their rooms. At this point, the druggies (as they will be referred to from here on out) had gone to a party at one of the frats. I locked my room when I left to go visit the friends. We watched a terrible movie (Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Killer Mutant Snowman - no joke, that's the title). It was a fun time overall. When I came back to my room (at 3 am), the lock had been picked, and the druggies were sitting there watching classic cartoons that they had picked up at Wal-mart. That was a little unnerving. I went to bed and they were still watching it.

Sunday, I got up (around noon), went to lunch, came back at like 1, and they were still watching cartoons. They left around 5 or so, after watch cartoons the entire day. It was impressive. At least once they left, they left the room in pretty decent shape.

While I was writing this, I was also talking to one of my sister's close friends, who goes to school on the opposite side of the country as me. We were talking about how last night, and how my sister told her to sleep with me, but not really. Then, she was like "ok, so the reason I took it that way, is because I was asking your sister for advice on how to ask you out." I was a little bit stunned by that, and was like "Well, . . . not sure how to respond to that." We then talked a bit, and agreed to go to a movie together, and see how things went. My only problem is that I like her much more as a friend than as a significant other. Dammit. Why does this happen to me? I'm still trying to figure out how to explain this same problem to another of my female friends, who happens to live across the hall from me. I hate commitment, and I know I'm not nearly nice enough to be a good boyfriend at the current moment, and that makes me very uneasy about entering a relationship with someone who I know, and actually enjoy being friends with.

I want things to be easier.

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