Ramblings of an Enraged Wookie

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I'm me! That about sums it up. However, I do ask that if you read any of my blogs, that you leave a comment of some sort. Thanks!

Friday, October 27, 2006

Sometimes I hate myself

WARNING - This post may consider more information about me than you ever want to know.

So the other night, I almost got laid. It was an interesting time. However, there was no sex to be had for me, due to the fact that my body decided to not cooperate (yes, that means I couldn't get it up). This is not a new occurance for me - I take forever to get arounsed, even when I'm doing it myself. I only ever got off twice with my ex-girlfriend. However, I really enjoy going down on girls, and that's usually a viable alternative. However, the girl I hooked up with doesn't get off through oral. So basically we had a long naked make out session. That was ok, but neither of us was really happy with it as an end result.

Overall, this really got me down. This is a given - what guy wants to know that he can't get it up when he wants to? But it also came at time where I wasn't feeling all that great about myself to begin with. I've really been feeling kind of useless as a person recently, and this was certainly no help. I dunno, I guess I just put myself in situations where the people around me use me for what few talents I have. Ugh. Whatever. Life will go on. I still haven't gotten laid, and probably won't for a long time. Maybe it's meant to be.



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PS. On a happy note, my good laptop seems to be working ok! :)

Sunday, October 22, 2006

*resigned sound effect*

I'm home for the weekend. It's both good and bad. Good - nice break from school, time to sleep, good to drive my car again, nice to see my family. Bad - not getting any work done, spending money I don't really have, mediating between all of my family, having an allergic reaction to the family cats (nothing serious, just enough to be a real hassle), and overall being totally lazy and bored. I kind of want to go back to school now.

This morning, I forgot to turn my alarm on my cell phone off. It goes off at 8 - my sister turns it off. Half an hour later, just as I'm starting to fall asleep again, she comes into my room and literally jumps on me. She then proceeds to maul me for almost the better part of half an hour. That was not fun. I was looking forward to sleeping in. So much for that idea. Bleh.

Life is feeling wierd right now, and I don't know why. I often feel like I'm just floating through it, dreamlike, and it worries me. I don't know how to fix that feeling, or how to make myself happier with what life is bringing me. I don't really feel like I'm much of an entity right now - closer to a tool that people use for help or whatever they need. I'm worried that if I refuse doing stuff like that, I will just kind of disappear. I know that sounds stupid. I just don't know.

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Friday, October 20, 2006

Drunk girls annoy me

Last night, I was ready to kill one of the girls in our room. She is exactly the type of drunk I hate - loud, over the top, doesn't pay attention to any one who tells her to be quiet, spilling every drink she gets, basically trashing the room single handedly, and try to hump anything that moves. RRRRRR!! I ended up all but dragging her out of the room at 2 (everyone was sick of her and wanted to go to sleep) and driving her back to her dorm on the other side of campus. I was about to strangle her. This was the first time I had met this girl, and I don't ever want to see her drunk again. Apparently she has a reputation on campus of taking her shirt off at parties - luckily that didn't happen last night. However, she was loudly proclaiming that she wanted to have sex that night. I wanted to gag her. Other than that though, it was an ok night.

When I came back from taking her home, everyone was like "You are a wonderful person!" I laughed. I was at the point that I was about to just drag her back, behind the car, and dump her in the front of the dorm. I really didn't care anymore. I hate it when I hit that point - I always feel so mean. Whatever. It didn't quite come to that.

I've been thinking a lot about life recently. It's depressing. What am I going to do after college? Where will all of my friends end up in relation to me? Will we still hang out? Will I have a life? Does it matter? I feel like I'm not doing so well in school, although I'm not doing bad. I'm having a really hard time motivating myself to do my work, and thus am falling further and further behind. Ugh. This is a vacation weekend though, so I might actually get some stuff done. Probably not though. Shit.

However, I have a new addiction - a computer game called Total Annihilation. It was made in like 1995, and is still one of the best Real Time Strategy games ever. It's amazing, and soooo addicting. My roommate says it must broadcast crack or something. I love it though. It's a good distraction from the fact that while my roommate has bought an Xbox 360, we only have one game that works in it - Halo 2. Forza doesn't. I was very unhappy about that. However, Forza 2 is coming out in November, and that will be awesome!

So, yeah. Home this weekend ('till Tuesday). That should be an event and a half. We'll see if the house is still standing by the time I'm gone (or rather, the day after I'm gone - why do I always end up as the mediator?).


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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Urf

I believe that it is a requirement of college to be tired all of the time. Seriously. Everyone I talk to is lik "SLEEEEPP!" Why must that be part of the life? I mean, I can get 9 hours of sleep and still fall asleep in my classes. What the hell? On Mon, Wed and Fri I have three classes - I don't think I have managed to stay awake through all three in a row this entire semester. Maybe the first day, but only maybe. I always fall asleep in at least one, if not all, of them. This is bad!! I would love to stay awake in them, however, I also want to see my friends and have a fun time. Why must these not agree with each other?

Lots has been happening, but not a lot exciting. Stressful, but not too exciting. One of the freshman girls who has started hanging out with the group is on the downslide of depression, and considers herself a born suicide. That annoys me, but I feel the urge to help her out. Various people in my family have had issues along those lines, and I know what it's like. I really don't want to see her kill herself - she's an awesome person and has so many cool stories and experiences. However, I really don't know how to help her. I hate it.

I had a great discussion with my roommate the other night about J-Term. J-Term at college is a month long semester, taking one course, and not really doing anything else. There is the possibility of getting smashed every night if one feels like it (often referred to as "drunk term") and also has the possibility of sex as often as one feels like it (in theory). My roommate is going to England for this period of time (student teaching or something) so I will have a single. He said that I should do my best to break my bed while having sex on it. That way when if fell down, I could tell the girl that I had introduced myself to as Thor - "They don't call me the thundergod for nothing!" That made me laugh. My roomie has been telling me that I could have sex with almost anyone I wanted. I realized that part of the reason I don't do this is the fact that I think things through too much. However, I really don't want people to hate me, so I try to consider all the options. Which leads to me being celibate. Shit. I should just forget what people think about me and enjoy life more.

In other breaking news, I spilled soda all over my desk and laptops last night. This was right after I took a shower, after puking my dinner up because I worked out immediately after eating. It wasn't the best start to the night. However, on the bright side - my computers still work (though one has a rather sticky keyboard), and my desk is now as clean as it ever has been.

Life shall go on.


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Thursday, October 12, 2006

And life is . . . ?

The other night when I was walking home a drunk girl, I ran into my roommate's ex girlfriend (who was slightly buzzed), and one of the soccer players who I only kind of know. The girl I was walking home struck up a conversation in Spanish with the soccer player and I talked with the ex girlfriend. It was a rather out there meeting, but before we parted ways, the soccer player told me something very interesting. He said to me "Everyone I talk to has nothing bad to say about you." That really surprised me. I mean, everyone has some people that don't like them on some level, right? Have I been too nice to everyone? I really don't know.

Life has been rather interesting recently. Nothing too exciting but interesting nonetheless. I somehow seem to have spurts of female semi-interest in me. Whenever there is something resembling interest, it comes in the form of three to four girls at a time - not the "I'm going to screw your brains out" interest, the "Hey come hang out" interest. I always feel bad about managing this, and not seeing some enough.


And yes, the photos in the previous post are of me - the blue one I took with my cell phone, using a negative filter. The other is me before my senior prom in high school.


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Monday, October 09, 2006

Rurgh.

Well, I'm wasting time at workstudy again. Ugh. I really don't do anything here. At least they are paying me for sitting on my ass. The problem is that I don't even do homework here. I just browse random websites and veg. It's horrible. I feel so lazy.

So this weekend was rather interesting. My roomie is on the ballroom dance team of the college, and invited a bunch of freshman girls over to the room to get plastered. That was intruiging. They were actually pretty good about not getting over the top drunk, which I appreciate, seeing as how I usually end up caring for them. One of them was hitting on me pretty hardcore, which, while flattering, didn't do much for me. I don't want to sleep with a drunk girl (tempting as it may be), so I walked her home at the end of the night. We did have some interesting discussions though (not sure how much of them she remembers, but whatev). My bed got more action that night than I have in the past 8 months (four girls at once, not too shabby). However, I wasn't in it. Hahah!

I realized something the other day - I seem to become good friends with the guys who get more action than they can handle, yet seem to never need a wingman. What the hell? I mean, last night my roomie had two girls in his bed (a lofted, xtra long twin college bed), and was making out with both of them. How does he do that? He then proceeded to get at least some action from one of the girls (the other was sleeping on the futon under my bed, and I was partially asleep). He breaks up with his girlfriend (whom he had a fairly regular sex life with), and a week later gets more. What the fuck? What am I doing wrong? I don't get it. High school was the same way - my best friend had basically his choice of girls, and none ever looked twice at me. It's so depressing. *Side note - my best friend from high school is now in the army, based out west, and has girls lined up for his bed. Bastard* I mean, maybe I worry too much about it, maybe I'm too shy, maybe I don't read signals well, maybe it's all of the above. I mean, all I want is a semi regular sex life. Is that too much to ask?

Something that struck me is that my family is very non-intimate. Both my mother and sister have substantial personal space areas (a foot or so around them). Hugs don't happen much. My sister is semi bi polar (not actually, she just acts it), and will snap between laughing and pissed off with half a second of warning. I gave up trying to figure out what that border was a while ago. Maybe this whole situattion leads to my inability to tell if someone is interested in me or just friendly. Who knows.

I apologize to anyone who really doesn't want to hear me whine about not getting laid yet again, but that's been what's on my mind for the past half a week.

In other news, my college is going down the fucking tubes. They are cutting a ton of stuff (sports teams, etc), and just now announced that they are selling the fine arts selection of the musuem. What the hell? They are running out of money, and are all of a sudden making major changes to try and buoy the college up, at the expense of pissing off a lot of students. It's really annoying.

And for my final trick, a few pictures :)









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Thursday, October 05, 2006

Veerrryyy intressstinnggg

Well I got the paper on monads back today - it was an A! I was really baffled by that. I didn't think I did that good a of a job writing it. Maybe I'm devaluing myself, maybe the teacher just went easy on me (more likely!). Either way - for those of you who want to read it, here it is!


Leibniz’s Monad Theory

In the late 1600s and early 1700s, it was a time of revelations and discovery in the scientific world. Europe was the center of this “Age of Enlightenment.” New discoveries were being made constantly, and many opposing theories arose. Metaphysics, or how the world was made, was a truly active field. Isaac Newton proposed one way that the world was constructed – that it was made of tiny things called atoms. Gottfried Leibniz had a different theory – that of monads.

Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz was the son of a professor who studied moral philosophy. While it would have made sense for him to focus upon entering the world of academia, he instead pursued a path of professional assistance to the nobility (mainly the family of Hanover, of whom George Ludwig became George I of England just before Leibniz’s death), in the capacity of legal advisor, engineer, diplomat, and official historian. His work caused him to travel widely, and allowed him to meet many of the foremost thinkers of the time, such as Benedict Spinoza and Christiaan Huygens.

Leibniz’s works include a wide variety of subjects and breakthroughs – he made major discoveries in the area of topography, he helped create the idea of cataloguing for libraries, he independently discovered differential calculus (only slightly after Newton – they published their findings almost simultaneously), he made significant leaps in the theory of momentum. Due to his broad spectrum of talents and abilities, not much of his work got published, or even finished. However, one of his most passionate pursuits was his theory of monads.

Before going into a discussion about monads, it is necessary to understand Leibniz’s view of philosophy. Leibniz believed that God was a perfect being. Since God was perfect, he created a perfect world. While this is a logical deduction, many objections were put forth about evil and sin. If this was a perfect world, how do evil and sin work? Leibniz responded to these questions with a few succinct responses. One – humans can only perceive a portion of the universe that God has created, therefore cannot pass a final judgment on it. Two – sin and evil are the balances of good. Therefore balanced, created beings must have sin and evil to be true beings.

Another thing to understand is Leibniz’s perception of truth. Leibniz viewed all facts as if one knew all about everything. The basis of this is what he refers to as a “complete concept” – knowing all aspects of everything. As an example – the statement: “Joe is sick today.” If one had the complete concept of Joe, as soon as he got sick, it would be known. Also, Leibniz believed that a statement was true at all times –a year ago (though Joe didn’t know it at the time), or a year in the future (though Joe might have forgotten it by them) the same statement would still be true. This fundamentally supports why monads work.

On to the monads - Leibniz’s definition of a monad is that it is a simple, undividable substance. Each monad is totally unique, and has its own consciousness, however simple it may be. They build upon each other to create more complex substances, which in turn can be broken down back to monads. Everything is created of monads linked together, and acting as a whole, in a perfect world, created by God. All monads derive from God, who in this theory represents the ultimate in unity and perfection. Leibniz argues that God had a choice from creating an infinite number of universes, and chose this one, due to the fact that it was the most perfect.

A building block of Leibniz’s theory is that fate is predetermined. Each monad contains its fate “folded” within it, and as time progresses, the monad unfolds to fulfill its fate, as folded by God. This means that the world has its fate predetermined for all eternity. This portion of the theory was highly contested by Leibniz’s colleagues. Leibniz responded to their questions with the statement that free will was part of the unfolding – God presented us with a “choice” whose outcome had already been decided. Again, the reason that God has made the world and universe as such, is because he is perfect, and chose the perfect path.

Another part of Leibniz’s theory is that monads are without spatial extension. This essentially means that an infinite amount of monads can fit in a finite space. By this reasoning, space does not exist. However, since everything we see is real, how can we touch it if space does not exist? The answer, according to Leibniz, is that all finite things are made up of infinite monads. While this may seem strange, Leibniz was a founder of calculus, which in the 17th century was thought to deal with infinite quantities.

The idea that monads are without spatial extension lead some people to conclude that they are something resembling angels. Strange, yes, but understandable. At the time, a scholastic question was “How many angels fit on the head of a pin?” The answer – infinite. They take up no space. They have no spatial extension. Therefore, monads could also be seen as angels, due to similar physical qualities (no spatial extension), as well as their relation to God (being created by him from his perfectness).

In order to understand the theory fully, it is necessary to realize that each monad has a level of consciousness. This is represented by its level of activity. A rock has less of a consciousness then a sunflower, for example. The less activity a monad, or group of monads has, the more materialistic it appears. Due to this level of consciousness, each monad is aware of those around it, which allows monads to work in harmony, and proceed with the fate which God has “folded” for them. However, despite working together, they do not interact with each other.

In conclusion, according to Gottfried Leibniz, the universe is built of monads. These monads are conscious, undividable simple forms that are extensions of the perfect being that is God. They interact in harmony, and the entire representation of their universe is already created into them, to be unlocked by time. While this theory was not widely accepted in its day, nor is it widely accepted now, it is an interesting look at the world’s composition. Even today, some of the ideas put forth by Leibniz are still being discussed and finally understood. He was a true thinker of any time. As one of my friends put it – “This guy is a genius! He tried to explain philosophy with math, and threw in religion where it didn’t all work. He did this in the 17th century and didn’t get executed!!”

References

http://www.friesian.com/leibniz.htm

http://www.island-of-freedom.com/LEIBNIZ.HTM

http://www.angelfire.com/md2/timewarp/leibniz.html

http://www.rbjones.com/rbjpub/philos/classics/leibniz/monad.htm

http://www.iep.utm.edu/l/leib-met.htm#H8

http://www.spaceandmotion.com/Philosophy-Gottfried-Leibniz-Philosopher.htm

http://www.theosophy-nw.org/theosnw/world/modeur/ph-ryan.htm

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Walking on rugs

During a converstation with my sister the other day, she told me not to be a rug in life. In typical fashion, I replied that I prefered to munch them than be them, but that statement got me thinking. I do kind of get walked all over in life. I mean, I'm the designated driver, always (beingthat I don't drink or smoke), I'm the one that people look to for help with problems, and I'm only slightly appreciated. Maybe it's just my viewpoint. Maybe I depreciate myself. Whatever. Maybe I'm overreacting. I guess that part of it is that I feel if I don't make myself useful, my friends will just gloss over me. I don't really put myself out there. Maybe I'm just insecure, or unjustifiably worried, but still. I like my friends, and I want to hang out with them. However, my recreational interests aren't all the same. I love being part of the "good times" even if I'm not participating.


So I hit level 50 in Forza Motorsport yesterday. I was both joyously excited, and totally depressed with myself. I mean, I have probably sunk 100 hours or more of my life into that game. I have that profile (lvl50, no more levels available, still have cars to unlock), another profile that's lvl 38 or so, and I deleted my other profile at about lvl 35. I have no life. Fuck.


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Sunday, October 01, 2006

Fuck relationships

I hate relationships. I hate people. GAH!!

The reason for this little outburst is that my roomie and his girlfriend broke up. They both were getting annoyed at each other, and not liking the relationship as it was going. Now, I am caught between them, doing damage control. His, now ex, girlfriend is a true manic depressive, and I'm truly worried that she might honestly try to kill herself or something drastic. She's been saying that he was all her life, and she's nothing without him. I'm really worried about her, but I don't know what to do. I hate having to deal with shit like this. Why do relationships have to be so fucked up?! GOD DAMN IT!!

I'm always the one who people come too for help. I'm the reliable one, the sober one, the responsible one. What if I started saying "Fuck off" everytime someone needed help? Why is it always me? I think it's mostly my fault - I put myself out there as the caretaker, I tell people I will help, and I feel truly guilty if I don't. Fuck. Why do I do this to myself?!


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