I'm not cut out for this
Well, I talked to Jill today. I'm still confused as to what exactly happened that prompted this whole thing, but at least we kind of talked about it. However, I think I made things worse. Here's what Jill sent me (via AIM) a little while after we talked.
"I will never ask for help, especially when I need it most. Monday night you pretty much made me feel like I should have been paid and that's what really pissed me off. And when I'm upset the worst thing for you to do is to "give me my space" becuase to me that pretty much just shows that you don't really care and I'm just an object that is easily replaced. I should have said this earlier but I'm not really good at the whole confrontation thing and actually telling people when I'm upset and why, it's why I bottle everything and then breakdown. I'm screwed up I know, so if you want to get out now I don't blame you."
Here's my response:
"I'm so sorry that I handled Monday night badly. I really would like to help - I care about you as a friend, and hate that I have caused you pain. Everyone is screwed up in their own ways, and it's what makes life interesting. I don't want to "get out" as you put it. I value our friendship, and would hate to lose that. I know I'm not very good at being much more than a friend, and I apologize for that. I'd like to talk more about this in person, if that's ok"
I really don't know what to do. In some aspects, I want to be like "Thanks for the good times, bye!" and call it good. However, I can't bring myself to be that much of an asshole. Unfortunately, I also don't want to mislead her into thinking I'm going to get into a relationship (I double checked that with her this evening when we talked, and she is clear [and has been] on the fact I'm not in it for the long haul). I really don't know. I have a feeling that no matter what, I'm going to take a 12 gauge to my foot (metaphorically), and end up really hurting her feelings.
Fuck.
~^~
"I will never ask for help, especially when I need it most. Monday night you pretty much made me feel like I should have been paid and that's what really pissed me off. And when I'm upset the worst thing for you to do is to "give me my space" becuase to me that pretty much just shows that you don't really care and I'm just an object that is easily replaced. I should have said this earlier but I'm not really good at the whole confrontation thing and actually telling people when I'm upset and why, it's why I bottle everything and then breakdown. I'm screwed up I know, so if you want to get out now I don't blame you."
Here's my response:
"I'm so sorry that I handled Monday night badly. I really would like to help - I care about you as a friend, and hate that I have caused you pain. Everyone is screwed up in their own ways, and it's what makes life interesting. I don't want to "get out" as you put it. I value our friendship, and would hate to lose that. I know I'm not very good at being much more than a friend, and I apologize for that. I'd like to talk more about this in person, if that's ok"
I really don't know what to do. In some aspects, I want to be like "Thanks for the good times, bye!" and call it good. However, I can't bring myself to be that much of an asshole. Unfortunately, I also don't want to mislead her into thinking I'm going to get into a relationship (I double checked that with her this evening when we talked, and she is clear [and has been] on the fact I'm not in it for the long haul). I really don't know. I have a feeling that no matter what, I'm going to take a 12 gauge to my foot (metaphorically), and end up really hurting her feelings.
Fuck.
~^~
posted by The Wookie | 3:26 PM
2 Comments:
I think Jill made a deal she can't keep. I have met very few women that can separate sex and love. The more sex you have with her the more reassurance she will need that it's not about the sex.
Call it one or not you are already in a relationship with her. The proof is in the fact that she is willing to let you "get out". Get out of what?
check out this post by 20 Something and read some of the comments. It's more about cheating but it makes it clear that sex and love are almost the same to most women, not so with men as you very well know.
http://twentysomethingnowwhat.blogspot.com/2006/11/can-women-really-have-1-night-stands.html
20something's post is really interesting, as are the points you bring up. Men and women do have a totally different view on sex. Love is a huge part of it for women, and men are often looking for satisfaction. In someways, I find myself between those - yes, I want to get off and not worry about it. In others, I want a loving relationship with trust and true intimacy. I think things with Jill are going to work out well, and I have to make up my mind in the future, and hold too it. Thanks for the input!
~^~
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