Happiness
. . . is the thing that most people seek in life, and completely fail at finding. I know I'm on that track.
Tonight (this afternoon, really), I went to a friends house with a group of friends (BT, roomie, Grif, BT's girl, Panda) and we had dinner there (grilled burgers - pretty nice). Then large amounts of alcohol were consumed, and by 10:30, everyone was rather smashed ('cept me). BT was almost puking drunk, his girl was staggering, Roomie was definitely sloshed, Grif was rather hammered, and Panda was drunk enough to almost make advances at me (which she only does inebriated). This is at 10:30 on a Friday night! I drive everyone back to campus, with them blasting music, Roomie occasionally freaking at me about how I'm driving his car, and them screaming out the windows. It was a little unnerving.
I get back ok, no major incidents, and talk to Jill for a bit. She comes up (after Roomie and Grif, both hammered, go off to smoke pot), and we hang out for a while. We come to the conclusion that we are both really tired, and that the last few weeks of school really suck. She then decides to go to bed, and asks if I want to join her (not in a "Let's get it on" fashion). It's been roasting hot here the past few days, she was talking about getting up early to do work tomorrow, and I wasn't in the best of moods, so I said I'd rather sleep in my own bed. She seemed really disappointed by this, and I kind of feel guilty about not sleeping with her, but ugh. We aren't officially dating. I almost feel like I'm doing a horrible job of being a non-boyfriend (ie - I'm being too boyfriend like). I don't want to form an attachment for the summer, and have her feel hurt by me not wanting to continue our relationship through next year. Fuck, I over think things.
Panda confuses me. I have no clue what her feelings towards me are, or really, what mine towards her are. I get very mixed signals from her, especially when she's drunk, and it messes with my head. Why can't things be simple?!
Raw Thoughts pointed me towards a post of his that sums things up rather well (here). People are overly concerned with happiness. Why do we force ourselves to be happy? Isn't that almost canceling out the effect? "I must be happy." That is so strange, yet seems like a huge part of our society. I truly envy the people who find happiness easily. It's an elusive thing for me, and I truly desire it. However, I don't have enough of a spine to stand up for what can make me happy. I want people to like me, thus my happiness comes second to that. Why, I don't know. Maybe my upbringing. Maybe it's just how I'm wired. Why can't I stand up for myself? Why do I always put others first? I've never really gotten anything out of doing that. People keep saying they owe me their lives, their firstborn child. Am I ever going to cash in on that? No. That would be selfish. What the hell is wrong with me?
I'm seriously debating on a chaste view on life. Interactions with people suck. I really haven't gotten anything good (other that occasional sex) out of my relationships. Yes, it's nice to have intimacy, cuddling, and companionship. However, most of that can be had with friends as well. Having a significant other just makes things awkward. With Jill, so much drama and stress have arisen around the entire event. And then, "How are things with Jill?" and "Aren't you seeing someone?" - I hate questions like that. How do you answer that? "Well, things are a little convoluted in my head" and "Not officially." The looks I would get! It's like when someone asks you "How's it going?" the auto response is "Good" unless you want a discussion. What the hell. I hate how our society works.
In a mostly completely different subject, I had a Statistics test today, which I completely bombed. Like, if I had handed it in blank, I don't think my grade would have been any different than what I'm sure to get. It made me think a lot, unfortunately. I'm really not cut out for college. Everyone says I'm a good student, that I'm intelligent, that I'll go far in life. They're all fucking wrong. I get so confused, instantly, on almost everything. Yes, I absorb information fairly well, and can present it in a understandable manner. That doesn't mean I know it! That means I can breeze through high school with no effort, and am getting royally fucked in college. Now, I'm supposed to understand it. What the hell am I going to do when my thesis comes around in a year? If I'm still in school, that is. I have a scholarship where I have to keep a 3.0 GPA. I have a 2.96 at the moment. This semester is what it hinges on. If I get somewhere in the vicinity of a 3.3, I should be ok. If not, I'm living at home, working a real job, and paying off the money I've wasted. Of course, all this is running through my head during a test I'm in the process of failing. Christ, I'm really not cut out for anything in life. Maybe I've found my job already - the low paying museum interpreter position. Of course, I'm at the complete bottom of the ladder, and don't really have the skills to move up it. However, I do ok at it. Well, I'll wait until after this summer to finalize my opinion on that.
Goddammit. Why do I care about life?
~^~
Tonight (this afternoon, really), I went to a friends house with a group of friends (BT, roomie, Grif, BT's girl, Panda) and we had dinner there (grilled burgers - pretty nice). Then large amounts of alcohol were consumed, and by 10:30, everyone was rather smashed ('cept me). BT was almost puking drunk, his girl was staggering, Roomie was definitely sloshed, Grif was rather hammered, and Panda was drunk enough to almost make advances at me (which she only does inebriated). This is at 10:30 on a Friday night! I drive everyone back to campus, with them blasting music, Roomie occasionally freaking at me about how I'm driving his car, and them screaming out the windows. It was a little unnerving.
I get back ok, no major incidents, and talk to Jill for a bit. She comes up (after Roomie and Grif, both hammered, go off to smoke pot), and we hang out for a while. We come to the conclusion that we are both really tired, and that the last few weeks of school really suck. She then decides to go to bed, and asks if I want to join her (not in a "Let's get it on" fashion). It's been roasting hot here the past few days, she was talking about getting up early to do work tomorrow, and I wasn't in the best of moods, so I said I'd rather sleep in my own bed. She seemed really disappointed by this, and I kind of feel guilty about not sleeping with her, but ugh. We aren't officially dating. I almost feel like I'm doing a horrible job of being a non-boyfriend (ie - I'm being too boyfriend like). I don't want to form an attachment for the summer, and have her feel hurt by me not wanting to continue our relationship through next year. Fuck, I over think things.
Panda confuses me. I have no clue what her feelings towards me are, or really, what mine towards her are. I get very mixed signals from her, especially when she's drunk, and it messes with my head. Why can't things be simple?!
Raw Thoughts pointed me towards a post of his that sums things up rather well (here). People are overly concerned with happiness. Why do we force ourselves to be happy? Isn't that almost canceling out the effect? "I must be happy." That is so strange, yet seems like a huge part of our society. I truly envy the people who find happiness easily. It's an elusive thing for me, and I truly desire it. However, I don't have enough of a spine to stand up for what can make me happy. I want people to like me, thus my happiness comes second to that. Why, I don't know. Maybe my upbringing. Maybe it's just how I'm wired. Why can't I stand up for myself? Why do I always put others first? I've never really gotten anything out of doing that. People keep saying they owe me their lives, their firstborn child. Am I ever going to cash in on that? No. That would be selfish. What the hell is wrong with me?
I'm seriously debating on a chaste view on life. Interactions with people suck. I really haven't gotten anything good (other that occasional sex) out of my relationships. Yes, it's nice to have intimacy, cuddling, and companionship. However, most of that can be had with friends as well. Having a significant other just makes things awkward. With Jill, so much drama and stress have arisen around the entire event. And then, "How are things with Jill?" and "Aren't you seeing someone?" - I hate questions like that. How do you answer that? "Well, things are a little convoluted in my head" and "Not officially." The looks I would get! It's like when someone asks you "How's it going?" the auto response is "Good" unless you want a discussion. What the hell. I hate how our society works.
In a mostly completely different subject, I had a Statistics test today, which I completely bombed. Like, if I had handed it in blank, I don't think my grade would have been any different than what I'm sure to get. It made me think a lot, unfortunately. I'm really not cut out for college. Everyone says I'm a good student, that I'm intelligent, that I'll go far in life. They're all fucking wrong. I get so confused, instantly, on almost everything. Yes, I absorb information fairly well, and can present it in a understandable manner. That doesn't mean I know it! That means I can breeze through high school with no effort, and am getting royally fucked in college. Now, I'm supposed to understand it. What the hell am I going to do when my thesis comes around in a year? If I'm still in school, that is. I have a scholarship where I have to keep a 3.0 GPA. I have a 2.96 at the moment. This semester is what it hinges on. If I get somewhere in the vicinity of a 3.3, I should be ok. If not, I'm living at home, working a real job, and paying off the money I've wasted. Of course, all this is running through my head during a test I'm in the process of failing. Christ, I'm really not cut out for anything in life. Maybe I've found my job already - the low paying museum interpreter position. Of course, I'm at the complete bottom of the ladder, and don't really have the skills to move up it. However, I do ok at it. Well, I'll wait until after this summer to finalize my opinion on that.
Goddammit. Why do I care about life?
~^~
posted by The Wookie | 8:59 PM
3 Comments:
Goddammit - have more faith in yourself boy! I notice a lot in your blogs "negative thinking". It's always “I'm not good enough” - or "I’m really not that great" or "I can't be happy".
I'm reading a book at the moment, which focuses on positive thinking. It suggests that even if you do not think you are any good at something or “feel lazy” towards certain tasks you should always strive to achieve your very best.
Just by trying you can do your bit in the world and radiate positive energy. I often think that the reason people get so damn miserable is because of peoples' general attitudes towards life. If we all started to think positively think how much the world would change. Impossible I know but it's true.
I think your self doubt stems from your upbringing in some way - perhaps you were not encouraged enough? I was the same - but as you get older you learn and accept different ways of thinking.
It seems that a lot of people have faith in you but you don't want to accept it. My advise - accept it - if you're told you are intelligent believe it because it’s true.
I agree with Lindsay, it's just as easy to look at the positive than the negative.
Happiness is a very elusive goal. Mostly because we have expectations of what happiness should feel like, or worse what should happen when we do that thing we expected to bring us happiness. I like you struggle to be "happy". I have more than most but still I want more to make my life complete. Whatever complete means.
The only advice I can give you is try to recognize happiness when ever possible. The more you do that, the easier it gets. If you're sitting in a room with your friends, take a minute to look around and think how great it is to have friends to be with. If you're playing your music enjoy the fact that you found something you love. Just stop sometimes step back and enjoy the moment.
I don't think I learned to do this until I had children. One night when I put my son to bed I came back to check on him and when I saw him sleeping, I smiled and thought "what else could I possible want?" I was happy. Sure the problems of tomorrow flooded back to me soon enough but I marked that moment and replay it whenever I start thinking life sucks. I've marked a bunch more since then too. I believe little moments like that is what makes life worth living. Most of the time you can't plan them but pay attention they happen all the time.
As far as wanting people to like you, that's another thing most people want but you can't make people like you. Just be a good person and if people can't see value in that then find some that can. I know, easier said than done.
Again Lindsay is right, if someone tells you you're smart then there must be a reason. BELIEVE IT!!!
Spot on Raw Thoughts. I agree it is the simple things in life that make people happy, and different things make different people happy.
That is the beauty of life. We are all unique and have much variety in life - there is something for everyone! It really is a case of finding what makes you happy. I sometimes feel guilty just for feeling happiness. Recently everything started to go right in my life, I felt satisfied and very fulfilled. But it actually made me anxious because I thought "what about tomorrow? What if it all changes, anything could happen, my whole world could fall apart".
The best advice anyone ever gave me :- " you can't worry about something that might not ever happen".
I guess the truth is that life is a roller coaster and we have to take the good with the bad.
As humans, we tend to feel guilty over any emotion that we don’t experience often. It’s almost like a fear of not knowing what to do with it? A natural high is the best, no other drug can beat this.
There will always be something else we strive for or desire to have. No one is happy all their life long. But when you are happy, truly make the most out of it, just like you do when you’re sad!
Sorry if I have rambled :)
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