Vacation?

Where did it go? I haven't really done anything at all, and it's Friday! Shit! Well, I did do some things. I worked on getting the rust on my Volvo cleaned up - I really am not cut out to work on cars. I have no patience at all. I enjoy it, but the end result is substantially sub stellar. I'd even go so far as to say that it sucks. Ugh. Why do I constantly pick things that I'm horrible at to pursue? Annoying.

The family has been doing ok, no major conflicts. I'm kind of surprised. I think a large part of it is that my mom is at work for a large part of the day. Less chance for locking horns that way. Oh well. It's been rather relaxing, but I wish I could sleep better at home - I haven't found a comfortable way to use my bed. It might be, in part, that I don't have any really pillows, but whatever. There's only a few more nights, and then I'm back to my wonderful bed at school.

That's really all that's running through my head at the moment.




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I hate myself.

Seriously. I really truly dislike myself. My brain annoys the fuck out of me, I am constantly annoyed at how I feel pathetic, I never feel like I have any talents, I don't know what makes me happy, and I hate imposing on others. I am a giant clusterfuck.

Things with Jill and I are still slightly up in the air, but have taken an interesting direction. Apparently, after a chat with her mom, she is now interested in having me take her virginity. That threw me for a loop. Her mom convinced her? WTF? I'm now kind of leery about it. A girl's virginity is kind of a big thing, isn't it? I mean, everything I've heard about it involves a lot of emotion and such. I don't know if I want to deal with that. Maybe I'll limit it to oral? I have no idea. Why the fuck do I think so much? Goddammit.

I'm home for Spring break at the moment, until next Sunday. It's going to be interesting. I'd forgotten how volatile my sister is.



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Life is weird

Well, as the title says, life has been rather odd of late. I really dislike that I don't read people that well, but have a major guilt complex and habit of second guessing (and triple guessing) any decision I make.

Friday night, I hung out with Jill and Panda for a while in my room - taking lots of pictures, and generally goofing around. I really enjoy the company of both of them, but don't know how to deal with either of them. I'm not sure if Panda is interested in me or not, I don't really know where things stand with Jill. Ugh.

Jill and I are currently kind of on the edge of something right now, I think. She talked about wanting to not be involved past friends a while back (see previous posts), but I know if I pushed the issue at all, I could almost positively hook up with her. However, I don't know how I would feel about that. I have a major guilt complex about pushing for my own wants and making people do something that they might not want to, but are kind of undecided about. However, she's kind of alluded to wanting to fool around a bit (ie "Too bad my roommate is here" whispered in my ear). I really don't want to lead her on, but I really wouldn't mind hooking up with her. I'm really not cut out for a relationship.

After Jill and Panda and I hung out for a while, I went and saw Betsy. She was a little drunk (or so I thought), but I offered her a massage, and she was like "Sure!" After a bit, I mentioned wanting massage oil or something like that, and she was like "Check the top drawer of my dresser." So I got that, and then had her take off her shirt and things progressed from there. It ended up with me fingering her, rather vigorously for a while, with her once in a while mentioning cheating on her boyfriend. She couldn't get off through the fingering, but once I started to offer to go down on her, she was like "Ok, I'm going too far. We need to stop." After that, I stayed for like an hour. We had a really great conversation about life in general, and how people aren't really honest with themselves, and such. I really enjoy talking with her, but I feel guilty about nudging her to cheat on her boyfriend with me. She said she didn't take anything farther than she was comfortable with (ie not jeopardizing her feelings on her relationship), but I still feel bad about it. I mean, it was fun, but . . . I don't know. She was rather drunk, has been horny as hell (according to her) the past few days, and her boyfriend is coming up at the end of this week. However, I'm glad that she doesn't feel bad about it (as far as I can tell), we had a wonderful conversation afterwards, and it's made me really think about some things.

According to Betsy, my roommate is a bad influence on me - I fade into the background around him, and basically disappear. When he was in England for J-Term, and BT and I hung out on a regular basis, Betsy said that BT had told her that it was awesome. Apparently, BT doesn't really like hanging out with my roomie as much as he seems too, and would rather hang out with me. Yes, my roommate is rather overbearing and arrogant, but I guess he sometimes makes me feel better about myself. Unfortunately, he also can make me feel hugely depressed about myself - I mean, he can get as much action as he feels like, almost by snapping his fingers, and he's overall a bit of a dick. Why can't I do something like that? I suppose a lot of my personality, or lack thereof, is subject to how I grew up. My dad is kind of floating through my life, not majorly involved, but enough that he's definitely still in my life. My mom and sister are both rather aggressive and confrontational. I have gotten very good at working as a support to the leader of whatever group I'm with. I really don't have any opinions of my own, that I push. I mean, I have opinions, but nothing that's sooo important to me that I fight for it. I'm very passive, and thus avoid conflict, and will further my own ends, if I have any, by skipping around other people's needs. I am always second, at least, and seem to make a very good rug for other people to walk on (metaphorically). I don't know how to change that. I have always been this way, and it's how my brain works. I don't know if I even want to change it. Well, I guess I kind of do, seeing as how I'm complaining about it. I don't know. It's so easy to just roll with life, and kind of float along, taking things as they come, not causing a commotion. I hate being in the spotlight, which is why relationships frighten me. I feel as if I won't be missed all that much, should I not make my grades this semester, and not be able to come back to school. I'm just a counterweight to balance my friends with each other. Were I not here, they would readjust, and go on.

I honestly don't know why I bother with life.



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So much for that . . .

Well, I had a conversation with Jill the other night. She was having second thoughts about us, and was like "If we were sleeping together, would you be monogamous?" to which I responded "I'm not sure." Obviously, not the best answer for my interests, but I was trying to be honest. I really didn't want her thinking that I was going to be devoted to her and her alone, and not be. I enjoy flirting a lot, and would feel guilty if I was "exclusive" to her and flirting with others. Jill didn't help, saying that if she hadn't been a virgin, she wouldn't have been having this problem. Goddammit, I wish I didn't have a conscience. So where things stand with her, we are just friends for the moment.

This whole thing has made me feel rather guilty about Betsy. She enjoys being spanked, which I put to good use, and also has this spot on her hip that gets her going. I kind of take advantage of both of these, and get her super turned on and just leave her, high and wet as such. However, she has a boyfriend, and also doesn't tell me to stop. I'm so confused by her. I really wouldn't mind hooking up with her, but I don't want to be the "other guy." Again, I wish I didn't have a conscience.


So that's the drama in my life for now.



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Sex life?

Well, I have options for one now, at least. Jill and I finally talked about where we stood with each other. I told her that I wasn't interested in a relationship with her, but that I wouldn't mind hooking up. She responded with that she was a virgin and wasn't sure how she felt about that. I told her that I would love to fool around, but she should do what she was comfortable with. This ended up in a rather involved make out session, and her getting off twice. So, I guess she was comfortable with the fooling around part. However, I feel a little guilty because I was like "You really want me in a relationship don't you?" and she was like "Yeah, pretty much." I don't know how to go about that. I enjoy her company, but I'm not really interested in her as a relationship. I also feel guilty because of my feelings for Panda, who Jill made a comment about liking me. I didn't know what to say with that. I'm so confused by women.


That's really all the news in my life right now.



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Tool

I've come to the conclusion that I am unhappy with myself on a major level. However, I don't know why. I can't remember the last time I have been truly happy. Ugh.

The other day, I had an interesting encounter with the girl who is interested in me (I suppose she needs a name if I keep referring to her - Jill from now on). We've been flirting pretty heavily throughout the semester, and I made some comment a few days ago about her flashing me. She didn't, so I thought nothing of it. However she mentioned it to her roommate, and how I had said that I was pretty sure that she wouldn't do it. She then told me to come to her room, and proceeded to flash me. That was cool (a nice start to the day). Later that day, I offered her a massage, and she came up to my room. I gave her a back rub, and then grabbed some lotion and gave her a shoulder massage. This lead to her taking her shirt off and getting a full back massage (there was some boob fondling in the middle as well). However, this has put me in a bit of a predicament, seeing as how I don't really want a relationship with her, and I'm pretty sure that's what she is looking for. I feel like a moron for how I handled things. I really have to have talk with her about where we stand. I honestly wouldn't mind hooking up with her, but I don't know how she would feel about that. Ugh. This is just adding to my whole feeling worthless thing.

God, I am pathetic.


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Happily ever after . . .

. . . but not really. I've been thinking a lot about relationships the past week or so. I don't know why I'm suddenly so hung up on them, but that's all that's been running through my head. I think part of it has to do with the fact that I am interested in a friend of mine, Panda from here on out. I really don't know what to do about it. I mean, I love her as a friend, and don't want to screw that up with her. I also don't know if I actually want a relationship with her. Maybe I'm just feeling down about myself, and want a cuddle buddy or something.

I read the entirety of Tucker Max's book (I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell) a few nights ago, which made me really start thinking. I had the revelation that I could be exactly like him, if I didn't care what people thought of me. The man is a total prick to people when he's drunk, and I don't even need the alcohol to do that. However, I care to much about my image. I try to please people too much. I put myself last. My self image is basically that I don't matter, and I'm here for other people to use what little abilities that I have.

I am my own worst enemy.


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