Life is weird
Well, as the title says, life has been rather odd of late. I really dislike that I don't read people that well, but have a major guilt complex and habit of second guessing (and triple guessing) any decision I make.
Friday night, I hung out with Jill and Panda for a while in my room - taking lots of pictures, and generally goofing around. I really enjoy the company of both of them, but don't know how to deal with either of them. I'm not sure if Panda is interested in me or not, I don't really know where things stand with Jill. Ugh.
Jill and I are currently kind of on the edge of something right now, I think. She talked about wanting to not be involved past friends a while back (see previous posts), but I know if I pushed the issue at all, I could almost positively hook up with her. However, I don't know how I would feel about that. I have a major guilt complex about pushing for my own wants and making people do something that they might not want to, but are kind of undecided about. However, she's kind of alluded to wanting to fool around a bit (ie "Too bad my roommate is here" whispered in my ear). I really don't want to lead her on, but I really wouldn't mind hooking up with her. I'm really not cut out for a relationship.
After Jill and Panda and I hung out for a while, I went and saw Betsy. She was a little drunk (or so I thought), but I offered her a massage, and she was like "Sure!" After a bit, I mentioned wanting massage oil or something like that, and she was like "Check the top drawer of my dresser." So I got that, and then had her take off her shirt and things progressed from there. It ended up with me fingering her, rather vigorously for a while, with her once in a while mentioning cheating on her boyfriend. She couldn't get off through the fingering, but once I started to offer to go down on her, she was like "Ok, I'm going too far. We need to stop." After that, I stayed for like an hour. We had a really great conversation about life in general, and how people aren't really honest with themselves, and such. I really enjoy talking with her, but I feel guilty about nudging her to cheat on her boyfriend with me. She said she didn't take anything farther than she was comfortable with (ie not jeopardizing her feelings on her relationship), but I still feel bad about it. I mean, it was fun, but . . . I don't know. She was rather drunk, has been horny as hell (according to her) the past few days, and her boyfriend is coming up at the end of this week. However, I'm glad that she doesn't feel bad about it (as far as I can tell), we had a wonderful conversation afterwards, and it's made me really think about some things.
According to Betsy, my roommate is a bad influence on me - I fade into the background around him, and basically disappear. When he was in England for J-Term, and BT and I hung out on a regular basis, Betsy said that BT had told her that it was awesome. Apparently, BT doesn't really like hanging out with my roomie as much as he seems too, and would rather hang out with me. Yes, my roommate is rather overbearing and arrogant, but I guess he sometimes makes me feel better about myself. Unfortunately, he also can make me feel hugely depressed about myself - I mean, he can get as much action as he feels like, almost by snapping his fingers, and he's overall a bit of a dick. Why can't I do something like that? I suppose a lot of my personality, or lack thereof, is subject to how I grew up. My dad is kind of floating through my life, not majorly involved, but enough that he's definitely still in my life. My mom and sister are both rather aggressive and confrontational. I have gotten very good at working as a support to the leader of whatever group I'm with. I really don't have any opinions of my own, that I push. I mean, I have opinions, but nothing that's sooo important to me that I fight for it. I'm very passive, and thus avoid conflict, and will further my own ends, if I have any, by skipping around other people's needs. I am always second, at least, and seem to make a very good rug for other people to walk on (metaphorically). I don't know how to change that. I have always been this way, and it's how my brain works. I don't know if I even want to change it. Well, I guess I kind of do, seeing as how I'm complaining about it. I don't know. It's so easy to just roll with life, and kind of float along, taking things as they come, not causing a commotion. I hate being in the spotlight, which is why relationships frighten me. I feel as if I won't be missed all that much, should I not make my grades this semester, and not be able to come back to school. I'm just a counterweight to balance my friends with each other. Were I not here, they would readjust, and go on.
I honestly don't know why I bother with life.
~^~
Friday night, I hung out with Jill and Panda for a while in my room - taking lots of pictures, and generally goofing around. I really enjoy the company of both of them, but don't know how to deal with either of them. I'm not sure if Panda is interested in me or not, I don't really know where things stand with Jill. Ugh.
Jill and I are currently kind of on the edge of something right now, I think. She talked about wanting to not be involved past friends a while back (see previous posts), but I know if I pushed the issue at all, I could almost positively hook up with her. However, I don't know how I would feel about that. I have a major guilt complex about pushing for my own wants and making people do something that they might not want to, but are kind of undecided about. However, she's kind of alluded to wanting to fool around a bit (ie "Too bad my roommate is here" whispered in my ear). I really don't want to lead her on, but I really wouldn't mind hooking up with her. I'm really not cut out for a relationship.
After Jill and Panda and I hung out for a while, I went and saw Betsy. She was a little drunk (or so I thought), but I offered her a massage, and she was like "Sure!" After a bit, I mentioned wanting massage oil or something like that, and she was like "Check the top drawer of my dresser." So I got that, and then had her take off her shirt and things progressed from there. It ended up with me fingering her, rather vigorously for a while, with her once in a while mentioning cheating on her boyfriend. She couldn't get off through the fingering, but once I started to offer to go down on her, she was like "Ok, I'm going too far. We need to stop." After that, I stayed for like an hour. We had a really great conversation about life in general, and how people aren't really honest with themselves, and such. I really enjoy talking with her, but I feel guilty about nudging her to cheat on her boyfriend with me. She said she didn't take anything farther than she was comfortable with (ie not jeopardizing her feelings on her relationship), but I still feel bad about it. I mean, it was fun, but . . . I don't know. She was rather drunk, has been horny as hell (according to her) the past few days, and her boyfriend is coming up at the end of this week. However, I'm glad that she doesn't feel bad about it (as far as I can tell), we had a wonderful conversation afterwards, and it's made me really think about some things.
According to Betsy, my roommate is a bad influence on me - I fade into the background around him, and basically disappear. When he was in England for J-Term, and BT and I hung out on a regular basis, Betsy said that BT had told her that it was awesome. Apparently, BT doesn't really like hanging out with my roomie as much as he seems too, and would rather hang out with me. Yes, my roommate is rather overbearing and arrogant, but I guess he sometimes makes me feel better about myself. Unfortunately, he also can make me feel hugely depressed about myself - I mean, he can get as much action as he feels like, almost by snapping his fingers, and he's overall a bit of a dick. Why can't I do something like that? I suppose a lot of my personality, or lack thereof, is subject to how I grew up. My dad is kind of floating through my life, not majorly involved, but enough that he's definitely still in my life. My mom and sister are both rather aggressive and confrontational. I have gotten very good at working as a support to the leader of whatever group I'm with. I really don't have any opinions of my own, that I push. I mean, I have opinions, but nothing that's sooo important to me that I fight for it. I'm very passive, and thus avoid conflict, and will further my own ends, if I have any, by skipping around other people's needs. I am always second, at least, and seem to make a very good rug for other people to walk on (metaphorically). I don't know how to change that. I have always been this way, and it's how my brain works. I don't know if I even want to change it. Well, I guess I kind of do, seeing as how I'm complaining about it. I don't know. It's so easy to just roll with life, and kind of float along, taking things as they come, not causing a commotion. I hate being in the spotlight, which is why relationships frighten me. I feel as if I won't be missed all that much, should I not make my grades this semester, and not be able to come back to school. I'm just a counterweight to balance my friends with each other. Were I not here, they would readjust, and go on.
I honestly don't know why I bother with life.
~^~
posted by The Wookie | 6:34 PM
1 Comments:
Your going through a really hard time and dealing with it incredibly well, though you may not believe it.
You appear to be the "glue" that holds your mum and sister together (or so it seems). Taking on their emotional differences - but as you say you are passive, and yes I agree it's so easy to let life carry on in its own way "go with flow".
Be laid back, but not too laid back that you lose track of what is happening around you. Get some distance and chill.
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